Would I Have Friends Anymore?

I am darkness, I am light

Is this my plight?

I am me

Is this so hard to see?

If I were a whore

Would I have friends anymore?

But I say

I will do what I may

Whether I act like a saint

Or act without restraint

I will give myself in love

As directed from above.

Jaclyn Horton

I Am Many Things

I am many things

I am nothing

I am Christian

I am Gnostic

I am Buddhist

I am Pagan

I am all things that resonate with my soul.


Jaclyn Horton

I Am

I am a saint

I am a slut

I am pure

I am impure

I am Light 

I am Darkness

I am Sophia

I am Lilith

Both a very real part of me

What will I be today?

Jaclyn Horton 

My Heart

My Heart

My heart, in my core

It is what I adore

But I freely give it to someone that I might love

It was given to me from God above

Even if my heart gets shattered

And love itself is blurred

I will be one step closer to the tender core of my heart

Because the outer husk has been ripped apart.

Jaclyn Horton

Your Inner Beauty

I've mentioned many times your beauty
For you are beautiful indeed

But what I am truly astounded by are your inner depths

You are a source of Light to me

More beautiful than the rarest gem

For while it may be true that outer beauty fades

But I can see your inner beauty will continue to shine


Jackie

Oasis in the Desert

Oasis in the Desert


Sometimes in life I am walking in the desert

Without a drop to drink

I wonder how much further I can last

Will today be the day the sweltering sun does me in?

Or will it be tomorrow?

Then I happen across an oasis in the desert

Surely this must me a mirage

What a cruel trick to play on someone

But then I come upon the oasis

And realize it is no trick 

You are that oasis in the desert


Jaclyn Horton 

I Am

I am Light 

I am Darkness

I am as pure as new fallen snow

I am as black as the midnight sky

I am a mixture of these and more

I am love

I am like a barrel of cold water on a hot day

He or she who is thirsty dip your cup into my heart

Jaclyn Horton

Ponderings

The past few days my mind has revisited a place it was in the past.  This relates to bdsm.  Sometimes I have a craving for pain, to have it inflicted upon me or tied up or otherwise restrained.  Possibly a combination of the two.  I've never had a partner who has pushed my limits or even come close.  I would like to at least approach these limits.  In my mind there are very few things I feel I cannot handle along those lines.  I would like to know if this is true.

I've also been thinking about polyamory.  I do feel that I can give my love to more than one person at a time.  I do not get jealous if a partner is with another, as long as I know about it of course. Right now, however, I'm single.  If the situation for multiple simulataneous relationships presents itself, I may follow through with this.

Anxiety

Anxiety is like a prison without walls
Doing time for a crime you didn't commit
For help you call
Most people probably think you're a misfit
However, you're innocence you must declare
But who could believe?
There is such despair
Can anyone conceive?

Jaclyn Horton

My Beloved I long for you

My beloved, I long for you
It is true
How many lives without you must I live?
Why must you be so elusive?
I try to grow as much as I can
So that I might be good enough that is my plan
So I continue on
In hopes that our souls may dance until dawn

Jaclyn Horton

Majestic Blessings

I am so blessed to have been able to see all 3 shores of this large and majestic land.

I thank Mother-Father God for this opportunity.

We take so many things for granted. Sometimes we need to just stop and think about how wonderful and majestic this land is, that we are able to witness the Majesty of God. 

Not only us within these united States, but also peoples throughout the land are able to witness this Spectacle. Despite our differences, there are more similarities than differences and we all live underneath the same stars. We are all created by One Creator, although we may call Him-Her by different names. 

May there truly be peace on earth.

Jaclyn Horton

How Great is Thy Name

O Mother-Father God, how great is Thy name

I look into the vast skies as far as the eye can see

Or into the depth of the oceans

Far reaching fruited plains

To the towering mountains

I know they would not be hear without Your holy hand

Even though I feel quite small when considering Your mighty works

You have seen fit to put your holy Spark into my soul

I feel such unspeakable gratitude to You

I praise Your blessed and holy names

Jaclyn Horton

Fear Grabs Hold

Fear grabs hold

It feels so cold

Why is it so hard to see?

Everyone says to just be

Paralyzing fear 

My strength disappears

It doesn't make sense

I  have no defense

I don't have a clue

Just want to be rescued

Jaclyn Horton 

First Day of Orientation

Today was the first day of orientation at my new job. I believe I am going to like it there. They have a philosophy that it should be goal for the care of every individual to get them out of the institution and as high functioning as possible. In other words restoring dignity to them. Yes that may include having caregivers living on or near the premises but that's ok. Care is centered around the individual instead out of trying to make the person fit the care environment. Human dignity is very important. This can help them feel good about themselves and think of themselves as a worthy individual, as they should.

Jaclyn C. Horton

In My Dreams

In My Dreams

In my dreams I awake in your arms

Where my heart is safe from harm

In my dreams I give myself completely to you

For you are truly my rescue

In my dreams I feel your loving touch

Although some would say I'm a fool to believe such

In my dreams you are my wife

Somewhere out there I know you are out there in real life

Jaclyn Horton

Potential

Potential

I look within my heart

At times if feels so full of love

At other times it's like a large cavern

Sounds echoing off it's walls

I call it potential

Potential to love someone so deeply

Potential to be someone's life

Potential to be the one they want to run to

In good times as well as bad

But for right now it is just potential

Till I am discovered it will remain potential

Potential that longs to be manifested

Jaclyn Horton

Where Are You My Love?

Where are You My Love?

Where are you my love?

Why do you fly away like a dove?

I long to give myself to you

My love for you is true

Many lifetimes have together we spent

Let us join together once again in ascent

My feelings for you are more than just fluff

For an eternity with you is not near long enough

Jaclyn Horton

I Offer My Heart

I Offer My Heart

Mother Your child comes before You

I have no altar

This much is true

I offer no holy ceremony

To praise Your glorious Name

But it is to Thee

I came

I offer you my heart

With all humility

I never want us to be apart

Surely You can see

All I offer to You

Is not done casually

It is You I value

Jaclyn Horton

The Definition of Friendship

Sometimes I need, not necessarily a romantic relationship, although that would be nice but a friend who will be there for me consistently. Someone that I can share things with, not to tell me what to do but just to listen to me. At times it feels like there is no one in my life that actually fulfills this definition of a friend. At times it makes me wonder whether half-hearted friendships are even worth it. I make myself available for them but can they say the same about themselves? I truly don’t think so.

The Strength of Your Arms

The Strength of Your Arms

Oh Mother of my soul

Who has been there since times of old

I ask You to be with me

Even if no one else can see

I seek Your presence

In all Your brilliance

I long to feel Your arms

As they are the ones that protect me from harm

Jaclyn Horton

Solitude

Solitude

It is on this night that I embraced solitude

Even though this loneliness I haven't pursued

Solitude has given me a chance to work on me

It helps my loveliness to see

When my soulmate does appear

My love for her will be sincere

Spiritually we shall be as one

Our love for each other will be as bright as the sun

Jaclyn Horton   

A Thought On Being Transgender

A Though on Being Transgender

A thought just occurred to me. I am truly blessed that I was born transgendered. I have been able to experience both the male and female aspects of life. It's like 2 sides of the coin. I truly believe that I was put on this earth, in this incarnation, to experience both of these aspects. The identity problems are to be expected. Identification of Gender is one of the most important things we identify as, second only to identifying as human. Throughout my many incarnations I have experienced either being male or female, but not both. This time around the playground I have been able to experience both simultaneously. Truly what a blessing!

Jaclyn Horton

I Am All

I Am All

I am holy

I am carnal

I am spiritual

I am bestial

I am Sophia

I am Lilith

I am Light

I am Darkness

I am All of these things

I Am That I Am

Jaclyn Horton

My Rock

My Rock

Sometimes I embrace myself

During times like these I am the only one who will

Still I know that my Mother

Who gave my soul life

Who brought me into being

She is there, She will always be there

So when my soul feels like crying out

To see if anyone will listen

I know She listens

She knows the pain I go through

She is my Rock, upon who I lean

Jaclyn Horton

Such Beauty

Such Beauty

Every day to work I must drive

But looking at the beauty that was created makes me feel alive

The rolling hills

Everywhere the beauty spills

I am so thankful

For such beauty I am grateful

It is Mother-Father God to whom I meditate

Who this beauty He-She did Create

Jaclyn Horton

Can You Hold Me?

Mother, the Creator of my soul

I know because You made me I am whole

Even if at the moment it feels like my heart

Is about to fall apart

I long to feel your loving arms

That will prevent me from harm

I am your child that loves You 

You have created such a view

Right now though I just want to cry

Can You hold me in your arms till these feelings go by?

Jaclyn Horton

I Am That I Am

I Am That I Am

I Am That I Am
I Am part Sophia
I Am part Lilith
I Am part Light
I Am part Darkness

This is what makes me who I Am
Some may not approve
But I do not need their approval
Regardless I Am full of love
To those who can accept it

By Jaclyn Horton

Friends

Friends

I am thankful for my friends

They are there to light the way when the river bends

At times I feel like I need is a hug

Then my heart gives a little tug

Then I am reminded all I have to be thankful for

Including my friends who make my days much brighter than before

Especially through my Spirit Mother who gave my soul birth

And She reminds me of my worth

Jaclyn Horton

My Beloved

My Beloved

Mother-Father God You are the only one who seems to see

I do not consider this lightly

The depth of my despair

You are the only one who seems to care

My endless storehouse of love

Right now though is likened to a caged dove

Love needs to be free

Anyone can see

I know my beloved is out there

But honestly I do not know where

I call to her

She is the one that makes my heart stir

I long to look in her eyes

I hope she can realize

My love for her is pure

This I am sure

On this day

If I may

I offer her my heart

Because I no longer want to be apart

Jaclyn Horton

What Happened to Being Simple?

We need to become simple.

We all have complicated devices, 

live complicated lives, 

but all we want is to be loved.

I think that's why we're here, 

to learn how to love.

Love and be loved.

Jaclyn Horton

Fear

All around me I see walls

Inching closer and closer

Will they crush every fiber of my being?

The fear is overwhelming

I look for a way out, but there is none

I just wait, wondering how long this will take

Why don’t they just quickly finish me off?

The torture of waiting is worse than the crushing itself

By

Jaclyn Horton

Why Can't I Be Understood?

Why Can’t I Be Understood?

I so wish I could be understood

I’m not sure what’s so hard about it

Perhaps people like to push their own agendas for my life

But I have dreams of my own

If I’m not pursuing my dreams, I feel I’m only existing

Jaclyn Horton

Sinking Deeper and Deeper

Sinking Deeper and Deeper

As I sink down into the water

Upon my body the water rising higher and higher

Should I let it engulf my entire body, or does it matter

The hopelessness rises like the water upon my body

As my resolve weakens, both rise further

I begin to wonder what death will be like, my death

As my thoughts turn to my own demise, the water covers me

I could easily rise up out of the water,

Instead I allow my lungs to fill with the warm water

As they fill and expand like a toy balloon

I await the departure of my tormented spirit

When that moment comes, the much awaited moment

I can no longer feel my body, instead a feeling of freedom

My spirit moves at the speed of light

Away from this prison known as Earth.

I Feel Vulnerable

I feel Vulnerable

Right now

I don't know how

Feeling very vulnerable

This is quite painful

I feel so afraid

I am dismayed

Should I feel shame?

Am I to blame?

I don't know how to proceed

Perhaps I should just let my heart bleed

Jaclyn Horton

The Spark

 

Sometimes when I look within my mind

I've never seen a place so dark

This can be a place that is so unkind

Instead I will look to the heart to find the Spark

It is my belief the Spark of God resides within each of us

We should feed it so it can grow

So there will be a cure for our spiritual blindness

May through this Spark Mother-Father God's blessings flow

 

Jaclyn Horton

The Eternal Question

The Eternal Question

What is a man?
What is a woman?
What is a boy?
What is a girl?
Why are some of us born to play with cars, trucks, and army men?
Why are some of born to play with dolls & cute little teddy bears?
Why are some of us made as neither boy nor girl?
Why do others react so violently toward us who are different?
Why do people want to destroy what they don't understand?
Why don't people try to understand us that are different?
Why are we what we are?
Jackie Horton

Welcome

Welcome everyone to Jackie's Thoughts and Such. Feel free to look around. It's a work in progress. Here I plan to post some of my thoughts, beliefs, and poems. At times I can be quite an emotional person and some of my writings can demonstrate this! I'm debating how much I want to share though. Some of my writings I bare my soul from the painful to the ecstatic.

Everyone have a wonderful day!

Jackie