Wanting a place of my own

Here lately I've been wanting a place of my own, even more than I have in the past. I want to be my own person, to be myself. While I feel I am supported in most things living here, I feel there are some private things that I can't do. When I had my own place or when I was living in the motel room I feel like I had more freedom. While I don't feel comfortable sharing the details, I feel there are some things that most would think are dirty or disgusting but that I enjoy or crave. I want grow as a person in all areas. I feel more restricted living in a communal environment, which in many ways, this is. I am opening myself to having my own place, to living in a house or apartment, just me and Jasper my cat.

Pandora's Box of Desire

Somehow he knew my deepest, darkest desires
Desires I wouldn't dare share with my regular friends
As he slipped his manhood into my nether region
I found myself opening up to his fullness
I found myself craving all of him
I found myself needing his juices
As he filled me I soaked up every drop
Still I wanted more
What has he created?
He's opened up a Pandora's Box of desire
Never to be satisfied
Full of wanton desire

Jaclyn C. Horton

Sometimes better off alone

Sometimes I think I'm better off alone. Tonight Michelle was in the kitchen, I spoke to her, my attempt at being friendly. She said hi and that sometimes she comes into the kitchen to meditate which I took as she wanted to be alone, to be left alone. Of course she was in a common area, not her bedroom. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I just lived by myself. That way I won't upset anyone or offend anyone or do something I'm not supposed to do to someone I'm living with or not living with as that case might be. Truth be known lately I've been craving to be alone. Indeed I've been spending more time in my room alone because I've been enjoying being alone more lately. I hope I can buy a home one day and Jasper and I can just be by ourselves, where we won't bother anyone.

Having to turn down a friend

Today I had to turn down a dear friend, someone I care about. Previously I had arranged for her to stay in my room that I rent with the approval of my friend and landlord, Joy. She had said she would stay one night. Then it became a second night. After that she was told she needed to leave. The following morning she was told she needed to leave right away per Joy. I delivered this message. After she left, I loaned her $200. Today she asked for more money as she was stranded in Nevada. She should have been able to make it much further than Nevada, if not the whole way. Today I told her I hoped things worked out but I couldn't help her. I feel I am enabling her. I also feel I need to set my own boundaries, to work on them. I'm not helping her by enabling her. She's not going to grow if I keep rescuing her. I have a tendency to want to rescue my friends but it's something I need to stop doing. They need to be able support themselves, not depend on me. It was difficult but I feel it was something I needed to do.

Latest thoughts

A few days ago I was riding BART to work and I was amazed that I am still not "over" Rhiannan and the hurt I felt, and still feel from being unfriended by her. I wonder if I will be over this. Sometimes I doubt it. I hope she's doing ok. I wish her healing and love. I find myself unable to express the feelings I have for her. All I am able to do is cast them out into the Universe. If she ever reaches a point where she will be able to receive them, she will.

This past Fourth of July, which was just a couple days ago, I connected with my friend Quynh. We had planned to go to the Botanical Gardens but the ones we ended up at charged $15 apiece and she refused to pay money to look at plants lol. I agreed with her. We did ride around and look at some of the sights. The sight from the Berkeley mountains overlooking the East Bay was quite a sight. We could see all of Berkeley, Oakland, the Bay and San Francisco in the distance. We both took some pictures. We also went to the waterfront at Emeryville and took more pictures. After our adventure Quynh had other plans to go to and I joined the Interdependence Day festivities at Vida Alegria. It was a nice time. I especially enjoyed seeing Tsahai.

While Quynh was here we talked a bit about my shyness and why I am that way. Some of it I don't think I realized myself. Much of it we discovered was due to me being bullied when I was growing up. Also we discussed my desire to have sexual reassignment surgery. This is so important to me, I would make myself a slave (sexual or otherwise) or a prostitute. I honestly see nothing wrong with being a prostitute. You're offering a service to someone that desires it. If it helped me to pay for surgery it would be more than worth it. We sell ourselves whether it's selling our body or selling our skills to the highest bidder. Either way, we're offering services to those that are willing to pay for them. Quynh said she had some connections both with bdsm and someone who had prostituted themselves to earn money. I'm actually looking forward to this. I hope I am able to do either or both of these.