It's Been Awhile-May 10, 2022

 It's been awhile since I wrote on here, so here goes! I haven't talked to Sandy since my birthday in March. She wished me a Happy Birthday, I responded but she never responded to that and hasn't said anything else. I keep going back and forth whether or not I want to delete her from my Facebook friends list.

My friend Marlene and I have been talking a good bit lately but sometimes we get into tussles. Ironically we have very little in common but we still enjoy talking with each other most of the time. She says she wants to meet up some day but I doubt that will ever happen.

Some of my dreams are to develop a career I can do from anywhere, preferably something that utilizes my creativity. Ultimately I want to go to the South of France, perhaps even live there. I would like to see the  sites of Mary Magdalene, walk along the places she did and learn as much as I can about her and her teachings.

These days I'm living in San Jose. I really thought it was going to be warmer here. Today was downright chilly for it to be in May. 

Jackie

Let Me Experience You Completely!

 Oh Mother Sophia, Mother of my spirit, who birthed me so long ago. Let me experience you completely, Let me know you fully and completely. I am your child.

I invoke Your presence by the power of my I Am presence. I give myself permission to create everything that is benefits my highest good.

Thank you.

Sandy Contacts Me

 On Sunday, August 15th, Sandy contacted me. It went well. I've really missed her and she told me she missed me as well. She had said she was never planning to leave me forever but  was giving me time to heal. We're platonic friends. I told her today I had been totally in love with her. She said she easily could have fallen in love with me but had seen what would happen if she had, so she kept from going there. We will be friends, spiritual friends. It feels like a relief. Tonight I did cry from loneliness but it had nothing to do with her though. It is my goal and intention to reach a point where I love myself. I'm trying to do that but it feels so hard. I've read so many times that we need to love ourselves, that happiness begins with us and I want to make this happen. I've read books on this. Still I seem to be struggling with this. Still I continue to work at this. I tell myself that I love myself, I hold myself. I want to make this happen.

I ordered a ticket to the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum. I'm planning to take Bart down to San Jose and go there by myself. It should be fun and I hope to learn a lot. I have a such a strong interest in spirituality, I would love to work in the area. I have a thirst for knowledge, for gnosis. There are few people I can talk to about this. Sandy is really the only person I can speak to about this, that understands it on the level that I do. It is also my intention to move to San Jose. I've been saving up money for this. It is my first priority financially speaking. I think being on my own will be better for me spiritually as well. 

 

Feeling Even More Alone

 This morning, one of my closest friend, if not my closest friend, told me she doesn't want me to discuss Sandy anymore with her. Apparently it is triggering her. This makes me feel even more alone. I can't help but miss Sandy, yes I wish there was some way to salvage things. I'm hurting so deeply, hurting to the core right now. Now I'm not able to discuss something that is so very much a part of me right now. I understand but it hurts, it's like I'm feeling hurt on two fronts. Of course now she's afraid it will affect our friendship. I rarely abandon people, especially close friends. Actually I'm usually the one that gets abandoned.

I Miss You

 Damn I miss you! I miss you so much. Even though you shattered my heart into a billion pieces, I still miss you. I miss our spiritual talks, I miss our grand plans to go to Egypt, Ireland, Coney Island, and going to see Bella's house. I miss us talking about studying together about so many things. I really believed in us. I believed our souls would grow together as our bodies would become one. I believed in us in union. I believed we would join in the Bridal Chamber as Yeshua and Mary did. I believed so many things. Was I being naive? I don't want to believe so, but I'm afraid I might have been. I loved you so, so very much. I can't seem to hold back the tears as I type this. I still love you. I still find myself wishing there was a way to save "us." To want to believe we could still go to Egypt one day. Am I a fool for believing this? I want to believe. Am I believing a lie?

A Realization

 I've come to a realization that what's important is that I get what I want and insist on it, even if others get hurt, because otherwise I won't get what I want and I'll be the one that gets hurt, sometimes terribly so. That's exactly what happened to me this past time and I got tossed by the wayside.

Mother Sophia

My longing is for You

My desire is to feel Your touch

As a Mother holds Her child

For that is what You are

You are my Mother

I am Your Child

Your loving arms

Comfort me

Your Wisdom guides me

You direct my path

Revealing dangers along the way

Thank you

Jaclyn C. Horton