Two Different Directions

As a Pisces, I constantly am directed towards two different directions. Currently it's towards hanging in there the best I can or succumbing to the struggle, letting darkness overcome me and overwhelm me.

Today as I was riding BART on the way home, as the train was above ground and I mentally reached for the ground, the car began to plummet downward and I could see the surface getting further and further out of reach.

As I've  mentioned before, I've been contemplating a DNR. I keep going back and forth on that. I'm tired of the struggle, the anxiety causes a physical manifesting in my body of deeper and more asthma symptoms.

I went to the clinic this evening but didn't get to the pharmacy in time. They won't be reopening till tomorrow morning which will mean I won't get the prescriptions filled till tomorrow evening after work.

Mostly I want relief. Whether in this world or beyond it.

Jaclyn C. Horton

5/18/2019, A mixed day

I started this day with breathing problems again. I ended up using the rescue inhaler a number of times. Later I took myself out to breakfast,although afterwards I had bathroom problems I sat in the car until it subsided. I went to an adult shop to pick up some lube for some soothing of the pain in my anal area. Later I went to my friend Quynh's house. The original plan was for me to install a dimmer switch in her bedroom and for her to take me out to eat afterwards. When I got here she told me she found an app that would work with a special light bulb, so no hardware switch replacement was necessary. I ended up  repairing her toilet instead. We will be going to Miramar Beach Restaurant near Half Moon Bay, which is one of my favorite restaurants.

I'm still contemplating the DNR, although now I'm leaning towards not signing one. I need to focus  on controlling my mind though. When I don't my thoughts turn chaotic and focus on how bad things are.

Struggles, Working from Home

Lately I've been struggling in so many ways, from health to financial ways, which affects me in other ways. I've gone so far to consider signing a DNR order if something should happen to me health-wise. I had to sign an iou for parking yesterday. I ended up having an asthma attack on the way home. When I got home today I was completely exhausted. After dinner I laid down and ended up sleeping for 3 hours. Of course that put me waking up at 11 pm. I've been getting up at 5 am to make it to work via Bart by 8 am.

What I'm really wanting to do is to make money by working at home. To replace this amount of income I would need to make $1120 a week. So I'm putting it out there to make this amount of income via freelancing things such as programming, computer work, photography, writing or other things. I'm putting it out there to God/Goddess/the Universe.

Sincerely,

Jaclyn C. Horton