Another "rough" day

 It feels like this is going to be one of those "rough" days. Those days when all you want in the world is to be held. Your spirit is crying out but no one responds. At least in this realm. Perhaps God or Spirit or whatever you call her/him is like a mid-wife, not to take away our pain but to validate it. To be there and say I understand. I'm with you through this. We as a society have gotten so far from this mentality.
I feel so tired right now (not physically). I feel so alone, even though there are actually 6 people, 2 cats and a dog in this house right now! It feels like no one has every gone through this before.

 

Jaclyn C. Horton

10/30/2020

Feeling Unwanted

 After my Dad's passing, I'm feeling unwanted. I talked to my son this morning. I told him I was thinking of coming down there. He said he lived about 15 minutes from where my Mom lives and my brother had accepted a severance package a couple weeks ago from his work. I just get the feeling I'm not needed. I want my Mom to know how much she is cared about and loved. I know this can be a confusing time for her.

My Dad's Passing

 I got a call from my brother today. I haven't talked to him in years. Anyway he was calling to let me know our Dad passed away. I'm really not sure what to think or feel. I wish we had been able to get closer. He didn't support my transition. I wanted to be able to share myself with him. Hoping he understands.

Take What is Rightfully Yours

 I don't know where you are for you haven't revealed yourself to me. Yet, I have such love for you. Such never ending love. I offer my heart to you. You only have to receive it and to take it. It is fully yours. The Universe cannot contain this never ending love. Yet I am unable to see you with these mortal eyes. I can feel you though with my spirit. So here I wait to give you what is rightfully yours.

Jaclyn C. Horton

© 2020

Outburst

 I'm ashamed to admit I blew up yesterday with a house full of people. There were stack of dishes on the counter that had been there for days so I would try to do something about them. I was putting up dishes from the drainer and discovered that the cabinets I had reorganized myself were now messed up again from someone putting pans anywhere. I yelled "I don't know why I even care."

I really want my own place. This house is a house of chaos.

My Dad and I

 One of the reasons I moved to this side of the country was to be near my elderly parents. My Dad and I don't exactly see eye to eye on things, especially on me being transgender and expressing myself as the woman I am. When I visited there in July, my Dad insisted that I not go out in the yard or anywhere where the neighbors would be able to see me. This is all because he's afraid of what they might think and he didn't want to have to explain about me. It's also why he didn't want me to tell any of my extended family about me being transgender. All because of his insecurity that he hasn't dealt with. 

I did notice when I was at their house that my Mom was much more accepting than my Dad was. She even was asking the name I'm using and had started using the correct pronouns when I'm addressing me or referring to me. I'm pretty sure he didn't want me there but my Mom did. She was ecstatic that I was there. Not so with my Dad. I believe my Dad is manipulating both of us. When I had planned to move back there in January of 2019, He wanted to be with stipulations-that I dress as a guy. Both my parents are in their late 70's so I was wanting to be able to help them, but my Dad is only focused on how he appears to others. He's oblivious that he's keeping me from my Mom and other members of the family, all because he's insecure. To me this affects relationships with multiple members of the family. I would really like to help them but I'm not willing to change who I am to do it. When I visited them I wasn't wearing a dress, I was wearing a tee shirt and jeans, trying to tone things down as much as I could. I do have long hair though and wasn't willing to cut my hair.

So here I am, I'm willing to help them around the house, take them places, however could be of help. My Dad though is still caught up in what others might think so he tries to hide me from others that might see. I really miss my Mom but feel blocked from being there for her. It may sound bad but I hope she outlives him.

The other day a song came up on my playlist, Barry Manilow's "Ships," which I feel perfectly describes the relationship between him and I. We're like 2 ships that pass in the night.