Authenticity

I had a photography gig on Wednesday. I was actually hoping this would be the start of something bigger involving photography. I had to cancel because of an asthma attack. What I didn't know before that point the person I was talking to get the gig, who I also consider a friend, went behind my back and asked Quynh, who is a mutual friend for a reference. I had no knowledge of this so there was no consent. Now if I'm ever in a place where the two of us are together it will be AWKWARD. I'm kind of miffed because of that. Plus she got mad at Quynh and Quynh was worried I was mad at her. All because of one failure to obtain consent. Lack of communication can cause effects in many unexpected ways.

I think one of my resolutions I'm going to work, try my best anyway, is authenticity and expect that in others. Sometimes it's difficult for me because of the fear of judgment or just being uncomfortable. I did already tell that guy who stood me when he was asking if we could meet that I wasn't interested. That would've been hard for me in the past and it wasn't easy this time. But the truth of the matter is I don't have any interest in the man, at least not romantically. In the past I just would've went along with them. Anyway my attempt at a new and improved Jackie.

A Welcome Visitor During my Meditation

 The other night my Mom made an appearance in my meditation. I was so thrilled! It was like a visit, in reality it was but no words were spoken. It was all energetic. I was sad when the meditation ended. Last night though I sent a message to my Mom's soul telling her she is always welcome.

The Karma of my Family

 

Friends, as many of you know recently my Dad passed. My Mom is close to passing too. I had temporarily moved back to the southeast to be closer to my parents during that time. When I was in Arizona, I called them, and my Mom happened to answer the phone that time (usually my Dad answered the phone). I told her I was traveling that way and asked if it was ok to stop by there. My Mom was ecstatic. My Dad was much less excited. I remember in closing the call my Mom thanked me for the good news. In retrospect I realize my Dad had wanted to talk about me coming well in advance. When I did go there to visit, my Dad insisted that stay out of sight of the neighbors. He didn’t want to have to explain about me. Reputation and appearances were all very important to him (a Capricorn rising till the end). During the visit my Mom was so very glad to see me. She referred to me as she and her and asked me what name I was using. She has dementia so she may not remember the conversation but in my eyes she’s the only one in my family who loves me as I am. My Dad didn’t want anyone knowing that I’m transgender. I have kept a separate Facebook account for that reason. He totally didn’t support my transition nor accept me as I am. In fact, I remember once he called me saying that I wouldn’t be welcome at his funeral. He saw nothing wrong with that. My Mom, however, protested in the background, coming to my defense. I remember calling, roughly a week before my Dad passed, trying to set up a visit, but my Dad wasn’t interested. He took his unacceptance to the grave. I honestly feel like I was trying to mend our relationship but apparently, he wasn’t interested. He saw my being transgender (he didn’t see it as a way I was born) and some kind of great sin against God. I, on the other hand, feel I was born this way and was created this way by God. In this sense he isn’t accepting God’s creation, namely, me. I have no doubt if my Dad hadn’t interfered my Mom would be totally accepting of me, even if she disagreed. Now my brother seems like he’s taking my Dad’s place in this family saga. I called several times wanting to see my Mom, but my brother kept saying my Mom wasn’t able because of her condition. I believe me being transgender has at least something to do with it. So, the saga continues.

Anger

This morning I woke up around a little after 4, feeling anger at being kept from my Mom, first by my Dad and now by my brother. Really missing my Mom. Hoping she can hear and feel my thoughts.

Healing

 I have a feeling it is going to take a long time to heal. First from my Dad's passing and possibly my Mom's. I've cried so many tears lately and cried more today. I'm back in the Bay Area, Berkeley, which has been the most healing for me in the past. Still I suspect it will take some time to get through this. This isn't exactly something one gets over easily. I feel like I'm being blocked from seeing my mother. I want so much to be by her side. At least I got to see my Mom and Dad back in July. Even then my Dad didn't like that I hadn't called and discussed it ahead of time. I called when I was in Arizona. My Mom answered and she was ecstatic to be able to see me. My Dad showed much less enthusiasm. Still, I miss my Dad and love him very much. So many memories have been passing through my mind. I am glad, though, that I am near my friends in the Bay Area.

My Family

Larry Horton- Larry Horton was my Dad. He recently passed on October 23rd. He was born on March 19, 1942. His dad was Charlie Horton and his mom was Mary Kate Hardy. He had 2 brothers, Sidney and Jimmy, and one sister, Judy. Judy is the only one of his family that remains alive. His family lived in Coosa County, Alabama when he was growing up. He mentioned swimming in Hatchet Creek there. They would later move to Sylacauga, Alabama. He attended Sylacauga High School, where he met Georgia Anne Johnson. They were later married and was married to for 58 years. They married on June 24th, 1962. This is quite an achievement during this time. They had 2 children Jeffery (later to change names to Jaclyn)-March 17, 1964 and Steven-March 23, 1966. I have many fond memories of us at the cabin on Lake Martin swimming, water skiing and fishing. While we definitely didn't agree on everything, I'm really going to miss him. I love him very much. May his spirit be guided and his future incarnations be blessed.