I open myself up to love and I offer up love in return. Love being the eternal strength that bonds souls in unison. The two becomes one. As Yeshua and Lady Mary showed and offered up the template for us all. To follow their lead and show others the way also, the more excellent way.
Sometimes we have dreams
Dreams that we think that are about to come true
But in reality it is more of the same
Dreams that are unfulfilled
Life can be cruel at times
Through no fault of no one else
Life jerks the proverbial rug out from under your feet
The question how do you carry on?
How do you not give up on your dream?
A dream that you want as much as life itself
How do you not hold resentment
Toward the person who you felt was the answer to your long held dream
But truthfully are not
But is innocent as a dove
How do you not be cynical of life itself?
How do you continue to allow yourself to dream?
When so many times your dreams have been dashed?
Sometimes the hardest thing is
How do you go on?
Jaclyn Horton
Copyright ©2020
Let us be thankful in all things.
Let us be appreciative for the opportunities for growth.
Let us seek out other perspectives for they promote growth and understanding between peoples of all walks of life.
Jaclyn C. Horton
All Rights Reserved
©2020
I had a photography gig on Wednesday. I was actually hoping this would be the start of something bigger involving photography. I had to cancel because of an asthma attack. What I didn't know before that point the person I was talking to get the gig, who I also consider a friend, went behind my back and asked Quynh, who is a mutual friend for a reference. I had no knowledge of this so there was no consent. Now if I'm ever in a place where the two of us are together it will be AWKWARD. I'm kind of miffed because of that. Plus she got mad at Quynh and Quynh was worried I was mad at her. All because of one failure to obtain consent. Lack of communication can cause effects in many unexpected ways.
I think one of my resolutions I'm going to work, try my best anyway, is
authenticity and expect that in others. Sometimes it's difficult for me
because of the fear of judgment or just being uncomfortable. I did
already tell that guy who stood me when he was asking if we could meet
that I wasn't interested. That would've been hard for me in the past and
it wasn't easy this time. But the truth of the matter is I don't have
any interest in the man, at least not romantically. In the past I just
would've went along with them. Anyway my attempt at a new and improved
Jackie.
The other night my Mom made an appearance in my meditation. I was so thrilled! It was like a visit, in reality it was but no words were spoken. It was all energetic. I was sad when the meditation ended. Last night though I sent a message to my Mom's soul telling her she is always welcome.
Friends, as many of you know recently my Dad passed. My Mom is close to passing too. I had temporarily moved back to the southeast to be closer to my parents during that time. When I was in Arizona, I called them, and my Mom happened to answer the phone that time (usually my Dad answered the phone). I told her I was traveling that way and asked if it was ok to stop by there. My Mom was ecstatic. My Dad was much less excited. I remember in closing the call my Mom thanked me for the good news. In retrospect I realize my Dad had wanted to talk about me coming well in advance. When I did go there to visit, my Dad insisted that stay out of sight of the neighbors. He didn’t want to have to explain about me. Reputation and appearances were all very important to him (a Capricorn rising till the end). During the visit my Mom was so very glad to see me. She referred to me as she and her and asked me what name I was using. She has dementia so she may not remember the conversation but in my eyes she’s the only one in my family who loves me as I am. My Dad didn’t want anyone knowing that I’m transgender. I have kept a separate Facebook account for that reason. He totally didn’t support my transition nor accept me as I am. In fact, I remember once he called me saying that I wouldn’t be welcome at his funeral. He saw nothing wrong with that. My Mom, however, protested in the background, coming to my defense. I remember calling, roughly a week before my Dad passed, trying to set up a visit, but my Dad wasn’t interested. He took his unacceptance to the grave. I honestly feel like I was trying to mend our relationship but apparently, he wasn’t interested. He saw my being transgender (he didn’t see it as a way I was born) and some kind of great sin against God. I, on the other hand, feel I was born this way and was created this way by God. In this sense he isn’t accepting God’s creation, namely, me. I have no doubt if my Dad hadn’t interfered my Mom would be totally accepting of me, even if she disagreed. Now my brother seems like he’s taking my Dad’s place in this family saga. I called several times wanting to see my Mom, but my brother kept saying my Mom wasn’t able because of her condition. I believe me being transgender has at least something to do with it. So, the saga continues.
This morning I woke up around a little after 4, feeling anger at being kept from my Mom, first by my Dad and now by my brother. Really missing my Mom. Hoping she can hear and feel my thoughts.
I have a feeling it is going to take a long time to heal. First from my Dad's passing and possibly my Mom's. I've cried so many tears lately and cried more today. I'm back in the Bay Area, Berkeley, which has been the most healing for me in the past. Still I suspect it will take some time to get through this. This isn't exactly something one gets over easily. I feel like I'm being blocked from seeing my mother. I want so much to be by her side. At least I got to see my Mom and Dad back in July. Even then my Dad didn't like that I hadn't called and discussed it ahead of time. I called when I was in Arizona. My Mom answered and she was ecstatic to be able to see me. My Dad showed much less enthusiasm. Still, I miss my Dad and love him very much. So many memories have been passing through my mind. I am glad, though, that I am near my friends in the Bay Area.
Larry Horton- Larry Horton was my Dad. He recently passed on October 23rd. He was born on March 19, 1942. His dad was Charlie Horton and his mom was Mary Kate Hardy. He had 2 brothers, Sidney and Jimmy, and one sister, Judy. Judy is the only one of his family that remains alive. His family lived in Coosa County, Alabama when he was growing up. He mentioned swimming in Hatchet Creek there. They would later move to Sylacauga, Alabama. He attended Sylacauga High School, where he met Georgia Anne Johnson. They were later married and was married to for 58 years. They married on June 24th, 1962. This is quite an achievement during this time. They had 2 children Jeffery (later to change names to Jaclyn)-March 17, 1964 and Steven-March 23, 1966. I have many fond memories of us at the cabin on Lake Martin swimming, water skiing and fishing. While we definitely didn't agree on everything, I'm really going to miss him. I love him very much. May his spirit be guided and his future incarnations be blessed.
It feels like this is going to be one of those "rough" days. Those days when all you want in the world is to be held. Your spirit is crying out but no one responds. At least in this realm. Perhaps God or Spirit or whatever you call her/him is like a mid-wife, not to take away our pain but to validate it. To be there and say I understand. I'm with you through this. We as a society have gotten so far from this mentality.
I feel so tired right now (not physically). I feel so alone, even though there are actually 6 people, 2 cats and a dog in this house right now! It feels like no one has every gone through this before.
Jaclyn C. Horton
10/30/2020
After my Dad's passing, I'm feeling unwanted. I talked to my son this morning. I told him I was thinking of coming down there. He said he lived about 15 minutes from where my Mom lives and my brother had accepted a severance package a couple weeks ago from his work. I just get the feeling I'm not needed. I want my Mom to know how much she is cared about and loved. I know this can be a confusing time for her.
I got a call from my brother today. I haven't talked to him in years. Anyway he was calling to let me know our Dad passed away. I'm really not sure what to think or feel. I wish we had been able to get closer. He didn't support my transition. I wanted to be able to share myself with him. Hoping he understands.
I don't know where you are for you haven't revealed yourself to me. Yet, I have such love for you. Such never ending love. I offer my heart to you. You only have to receive it and to take it. It is fully yours. The Universe cannot contain this never ending love. Yet I am unable to see you with these mortal eyes. I can feel you though with my spirit. So here I wait to give you what is rightfully yours.
I'm ashamed to admit I blew up yesterday with a house full of people. There were stack of dishes on the counter that had been there for days so I would try to do something about them. I was putting up dishes from the drainer and discovered that the cabinets I had reorganized myself were now messed up again from someone putting pans anywhere. I yelled "I don't know why I even care."
I really want my own place. This house is a house of chaos.
One of the reasons I moved to this side of the country was to be near my elderly parents. My Dad and I don't exactly see eye to eye on things, especially on me being transgender and expressing myself as the woman I am. When I visited there in July, my Dad insisted that I not go out in the yard or anywhere where the neighbors would be able to see me. This is all because he's afraid of what they might think and he didn't want to have to explain about me. It's also why he didn't want me to tell any of my extended family about me being transgender. All because of his insecurity that he hasn't dealt with.
I did notice when I was at their house that my Mom was much more accepting than my Dad was. She even was asking the name I'm using and had started using the correct pronouns when I'm addressing me or referring to me. I'm pretty sure he didn't want me there but my Mom did. She was ecstatic that I was there. Not so with my Dad. I believe my Dad is manipulating both of us. When I had planned to move back there in January of 2019, He wanted to be with stipulations-that I dress as a guy. Both my parents are in their late 70's so I was wanting to be able to help them, but my Dad is only focused on how he appears to others. He's oblivious that he's keeping me from my Mom and other members of the family, all because he's insecure. To me this affects relationships with multiple members of the family. I would really like to help them but I'm not willing to change who I am to do it. When I visited them I wasn't wearing a dress, I was wearing a tee shirt and jeans, trying to tone things down as much as I could. I do have long hair though and wasn't willing to cut my hair.
So here I am, I'm willing to help them around the house, take them places, however could be of help. My Dad though is still caught up in what others might think so he tries to hide me from others that might see. I really miss my Mom but feel blocked from being there for her. It may sound bad but I hope she outlives him.
The other day a song came up on my playlist, Barry Manilow's "Ships," which I feel perfectly describes the relationship between him and I. We're like 2 ships that pass in the night.
As I sit here in solitude,
I realize how blessed it is to have friends I can count on
Friends who will be there
Friends who will support me
Throughout the miles
Knowing I can't always be there in person
Knowing I have a severe case of wanderlust
Still they welcome me into their hearts and sometimes in their homes
I am truly blessed
© Copright Jaclyn C. Horton 2020 All Rights Reserved
I decided to accept an offer that was prevented to me by someone living in the Western North Carolina mountains in Sapphire, North Carolina. Sapphire is located a little over an hour southwest of Asheville. I'm getting a very good price for a room and it is beautiful up here. I've gone on several outings on the Blueridge Parkway taking photographs of the gorgeous Appalachian Mountains. I plan to go out again when it's a little closer to the leaves changing. I don't plan on staying here forever but I do like having a short term renting situation so I could pick up and take off any time I want to. I am actually closer to where my parents live than Savannah is so I can go visit them.
Speaking of my Mother, my Dad told me she had been sick for about 4 days. I hope she gets better soon. She's definitely in my thoughts and prayers. She means so much to me. I really hope she remembers my last visit. She did remember Jasper. Actually when my Dad was asking about it he called him Leroy, which is what my uncle, his brother, who has passed away, called his cat. While it was humorous in a way, it did make me feel good as I miss him and I'm sure he does too.
Jaclyn C. Horton
The perfect day would begin by me waking up in my cottage near the beach which is situated a short walking distance from the Pacific Ocean. I would walk out to my porch sipping a cup of coffee while getting acclimated to the day. Afterwards I would walk out on the beach, taking everything in while taking photographs of the surf. Feeling the power of the ocean as if it's moving through me. The photos I would take would demonstrate it's power as well as the energy that's transmitted by the crashing of the waves upon the shore. After being satisfied with the photos I would take I would walk back to my cottage, writing poetry upon my porch that describes the mood I felt while photographing the surf. After the writing session I would add some music to the photographs and the poetry, the musical composition adding another dimension to the photography and the poetry.
Jaclyn C. Horton
Intergenerational
Regenerative
Holistic
Purposeful
Cultivation of Trust
Transparency
Personal Accountability
Proactive Participation
Stewardship
Ecocentric
Service
Access to Resources
Shared Values
Inclusivity
Living Economy
Interconnected
Cultural Appreciation
Common Threads
Celebration
Shared Practice
Livelong Learning
From Reinhabiting the Village
