Message Sent to Sandy/Things I would tell her if I could

 Yesterday I wrote this message to Sandy:

It is with great sadness I suggest perhaps it is best that we should part ways, at least for now. I wish you and your family well and many blessings. May you find peace love and healing. You will always have a place in my heart.

I wasn't exaggerating when I said "with great sadness." After I wrote it I started crying again (I had cried buckets full yesterday morning). Also when I said she has a place in heart that wasn't an exaggeration either. I really believed I loved her with my whole heart. But I believe I have to protect myself and my inner children (I believe I carry within myself a little Jeff and a little Jackie within me). I feel one of my core wounds is abandonment. I feel I was abandoned emotionally by my Dad, I was abandoned by Rhiannan when she unfriended me (after 12 years of friendship). I feel Sandy abandoned me as well. My inner children feel that. They don't understand reasons or excuses, they just know and feel that, once again, they are being abandoned. Once again their little hearts are breaking from it. It is my job to protect them. Even if that means ending relationships or potential relationships. Knowing Sandy's history with me, I felt it was a safe bet that the same thing would happen again. 

If I had the opportunity, I would love to tell her how I feel, what I believe about what's going on with her and me, even what I believe is going on within her. It may be unconscious, but I believe it is happening.

If I had this chance, I would tell her I need time blocked out on her schedule, no work, no John, no family, no house, nothing short of an emergency. That I would need her full undivided attention. Once I had that, I would tell her:

I feel you're triggering my abandonment core wounds

I feel you're running away from me every time I would get close or get intimate, that it was much more than John or being afraid of hurting him

You told me you were ok with doing tantra with me, with doing the Isis ritual with me, with sleeping in the same bed with me, then all of a sudden all of that changed, our whole relationship changed multiple times.

I made myself vulnerable to you but you ran away when we could get close

I shared my dreams and I honestly believed you were going to be a part of the fulfillment of those dreams

I believed in us, I visualized it multiple times, many, many times

I believe there is inner work that you haven't done and that is why you are running away

You are making yourself even busier so you won't have to address these issues, so you don't have time

I felt like I was last in importance in your life, I was always the one who got dropped if something came up. That made me feel not very important to you. 

I tried bringing up things before our break but you said I was trying to manipulate you. I honestly was not trying to manipulate you but communicate with you how I was feeling and prevent any breakdowns or misinformation in communication and otherwise promote communication in the relationship. 

I do miss our conversations and got a great deal from them. 

I honestly hope you are well and that your family is well. I wish blessings upon you and your family.

More Pain

 This morning I noticed that Sandy had unfriended me. When I asked for the break she said she would be there when I returned. I really despise when people go back on their word, especially with affairs of the heart. This really hurts. I honestly don't believe she could handle me, handle my emotions, handle the intensity of my love. I seem to have problem that can handle it. It's like opening the floodgates of the Hoover dam. I gave her my most treasured possession--my heart, and she crushed it. She had a tendency towards avoidance, in retrospect. I wish her well, but this hurts like hell. Of course today is the first day of the Chiron retrograde. It is very possible that this is related to it, something that is coming up for healing. I'm doing my best to flow with the emotions, go with them and not bury them, but deal with them. I'm not sure how long this will take. But ultimately my task, which I accept, is to heal myself.

A Good Weekend of Healing

I spent late Saturday and Sunday morning with my friend Quynn. It was a weekend of healing and one with things that have been missing from my life. We had much conversation about relationships, both hers and my own. We had delicious food. Saturday night involved non-romantic cuddling. That has been sorely missing from my life. We held each other for 30 minutes each. That felt incredible. It has been so long since I have felt anything like that. My entire being has really missed that. This morning we went out for breakfast then later had a ritual back at her house. I released plenty. I released an illusional relationship but at the same time opened myself opened myself up a non-illusional relationship, in whatever form that may be best. I released cords of illusional relationship. I also offered myself to Isis, in service to Her. I placed intentions or working on boundaries as well.  

My Desire For You

Mother Sophia  

My longing is for You

My desire is to feel Your touch

As a Mother holds Her child

For that is what You are

You are my Mother

I am Your Child

Your loving arms

Comfort me

Your Wisdom guides me

You direct my path

Revealing dangers along the way

Thank you

Jaclyn C. Horton

Another Dream

 Typically I rarely dream, but here I've dreamed two nights in a row. I woke up this morning to one where I had built a house of my own, on a lake but also near the house was an underground crypt of sorts. In ways it was like one of the Egyptian pyramids, including having hieroglyphics on the walls. Apparently I had built it for me to live the last years of my life in and die there alone. I think it is indicative and symbolic how I feel alone and isolated. I've been reading a good bit on Mary Magdalene and share the pieces that resonate with my soul. I've posted things on my Facebook wall and also on the Facebook Gnostic group I manage. Sometimes people respond to these postings. Still I feel very alone and isolated. This weekend I'm spending the night with my friend Quynh, which should help some but I eventually have to come back and with it the realization that there's no one romantically inclined toward me, at least not with the spiritual interests I have. I post in a trans dating site where they asked for introductions. Someone did respond and said they wanted to get to know me, but one glance at their page gave me the impression we had very little in common. I want to share and discuss spiritual things and they had nothing like that on their page. My page, in contrast is covered in those types of things. For the most part I'm going to continue pouring myself into my readings and studies of Mary Magdalene and other Gnostic topics. I may read from the Gospel of Phillip next. I still have trouble reading from the books that Sandy sent me. I was halfway through one on the Egyptian pyramids I was very into before everything went south between Sandy and I. I hope I can get interested enough to get back into it. Of course my lack of interest in it or the Hekate book has nothing to do with the subject matter but with the person who gave me to them.  I hope things will improve. It's only been 5 days since we took a break, a whole 25 more days to go. I miss her but sometimes I have so much anger towards her. Anger and a host of other emotions as well. I'm hoping by the time the month has passed, these feelings will settle down and I will be better able to manage them.

What I Deserve, a Dream and More

 Last night I picked up the card Sandy had sent me when she sent the gifts. In the card she wrote that she couldn't wait to see me in person and couldn't wait for us to go on our trips together including Bella's House (from the Twilight movie), Egypt, Coney Island among others? She asked the question "could we add more?" She included kisses on the inside of the card as well. I couldn't help but think how these plans are now canceled. This invokes quite a bit of sadness in my heart. I also felt anger. As I contemplated these things, I decided that I deserved loyalty and truth. The truth comes in when she said she wasn't attracted to me as Jackie. 

When I woke up this morning, I remembered a dream I had (which is rare). Sandy was dying and my friend Quynh and I were trying to make it to see her before she passed but we were too late. I wonder if this dream is symbolic. I do hope we can continue to be friends. We've shared many spiritual conversations and I hope we are able to continue to do so. I've been reading a book on Mary Magdalene and I read a number of things I would love to share with her. I bookmarked them in the hopes that I could share them after the month break has passed. I hope I get the opportunity to share them.

Relationship

 I want someone who is willing to fight for a relationship with me. Not someone who is indifferent to whether I stay or leave.  That is likened to someone who is lukewarm instead of being on fire for a relationship. Someone who is on fire is enthusiastic in desiring a relationship with me. As Yeshua said, if someone is lukewarm I would spew them out of my mouth.

Taking a Break

 Yesterday I messaged Sandy and told her I needed a break. A break from our relationship. While we were no longer in a romantic relationship (I'm not sure where she was in that but I felt I was in one with her). I need to focus on myself and on my own healing. I'm nursing a broken heart at this point. I loved so intensely and deeply so when I found out she hadn't even been attracted to me in the beginning, but attracted to Jeff this hurt to my very core. This will take some time to get over. I don't feel that continuing in a friendship having communication every day is conducive to my healing. In fact I'm sure it would prevent healing. I'm planning to focus on loving myself first and foremost. That needs to happen before I can attempt to love anyone else on a romantic level. I also need to accept other types of love. There are people who love, but just not romantically. I will continue with my spiritual studies. I'm currently rereading the book Magdalene Mysteries: The Left-Hand Path of the Feminine Christ. I downloaded an audio book by Byron Katie called I Need Your Love--Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. My own healing and my own self-love is my main focus right now. I don't want to have to go through this all over again next incarnation. 

Morning of Torment

 Last night I had a restless night, I woke around 10:30 and was awake for several hours, having trouble shaking thoughts about Sandy. Eventually I could only think of how much I loved her, that I actually tried to give her my all. I began to cry, once again. I cried hard and it turned into outright sobs. This morning she messages me all cheerful, talking about how wonderful her spiritual studies were and how much she loved them. While I'm happy for her that she likes her studies, it's really hard to take such cheerfulness when your soul is grieving for the loss of something you believed in, that you believed was going to be the greatest love of your life. I can only hope her soul will remember me her next carnation.