Only the Memories Remain

As the miles roll on
Only memories remain
Hopefully the good outweigh the bad
Despite everything
Grateful for the experience
Better for knowing
Than not have known at all

Jaclyn C. Horton
All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2018

Comfortably Numb

What has become of us?
Why have we become satisfied?
Satisfied with the status quo?
Why do we allow ourselves to become "Comfortably Numb?"
When the current condition
That the world is in totally unacceptable
Homeless living on street corners
With no place to go
Children without food to eat
And here we are worried about our bottom line
What has become of us?
Do we even have hearts anymore?
Or will we be satisfied with being "Comfortably Numb?"

Jaclyn C. Horton
All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2018

The words "Comfortably Numb" refers to the song by the same name by Pink Floyd. I do not claim any rights to this song.

I do not own copyrights to this image.

I am Peace
I am Light
I am Love
I am Darkness
I am Passion
I am Raw Energy
I am the unmanifest manifested into a physical form
I am the gentleness of a slow moving brook
I am the power of the ocean
I am a gentle flame
I am a roaring inferno
I am the gentle breeze
I am the fierceness of a hurricane
I am the solidity of the earth
I am Spirit as it flows through each of our beings.

Jaclyn C. Horton
All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2018

Beautiful Day to Wake Up To

This morning, after having the EFT session yesterday, I woke up in such a good mood! I felt really good, the best I've felt in a very long time. I even felt motivated, which I haven't for awhile also. I completed the safety training for the new job, swept and vaccumed my room, cleaned out the litter box and picked up the room, all before 10:00. I just feel really good and hopeful. Yes who knows how far down the rabbit hole my issues go but the main thing I made a good bit of progress yesterday and actually feel hopeful today. It was so nice waking up to a good mood.

Jaclyn C. Horton
All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2018

Preparation Notes for Joy's EFT Session

Running Trip to Portland-Oct. 2018

The thought of being the lead for the job sites terrified me. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to get out of here. I felt a fear of leading. In retrospect, I have always felt I'm more submissive (not in just a BDSM context either, although there's an aspect of it there as well). Even raising my kids, I had difficulty directing them, telling them what to do. Perhaps there's a relation there between these two events.
When people would try to call me from the job, asking where I was or if I was going to be there for the upcoming day, I literally wasn't able to talk to them and wouldn't asnwer the phone. Each time they would call I could feel the anxiety rising up within me. I felt an uneasiness around the areas of my heart and solar plexus areas.
Of course I've always been shy, but to me this is well beyond being shy. Most people are able to push ahead and do what needs to be done. For me, though, I was so afraid I ran away and wouldn't answer the phone. A similar thing happened around 2012 or 2013 when I had a job lined up in mental health, but after the training was completed, I wasn't able to go do the job because I was afraid. Again I avoided answering the phone. That seems to be a common theme and a form of running away.


Fight with Rhiannan-Feb./March 2018

I had always felt afraid of disappointing Rhiannan. When Rhiannan texted me, telling me she was mad at me over letting Jazmine get out of the car (which I was having to keep her and Jasper in the car at the time), I felt a very large wave of anxiety rise up. The urge I was feeling was I needed to get out of there, leave the area. This fight occurred over text messages. She was quite irate. I had originally agreed to bring Jasper over because she thought I was unable to care for him. She had said Michelle, her gf at the time, was wanting to beat me up, so I might want to wait a bit before coming over. I texted that I wouldn't be coming over. This made her even madder. She told me to lose her number and drive off a cliff. This is someone who had been my best friend. It seems my worst fears had come to fruition.
Duing a somatic session with my friend Quynh, one of the things that came up was Rhiannan and I were in a romantic relationship in a past life. I cheated on her and she ended up killing me. I do feel that much of my fear related to my fear of her stems from this past life event. I feel my relationship with her (or past relationship) is a karmic relationship. I would like to think that at least some of this karma has been resolved, but I don't think it all has, and possibly more has been created from both of us.


Avoided calls from my Dad-2008

I avoided calls from my Dad when I had moved up to Wisconsin in 2008. I had always felt an inability to get approval from my parents, especially my Dad. I remember I would curl up in a ball when I was avoiding those phone calls. The anxiety I felt from this felt quite severe. Logically, of course, it made no sense. My Dad actually mentioned this, but I think this showed his inability to understand anxiety and panic attacks. He is a Capricorn rising and quite logical in his thinking. I can count the number of times he's told me he's proud of me on one hand throughout my whole life. My Dad was always good with money, a gift I never had. I wanted so much to gain his approval. Instead most of my adult life I've struggled. He didn't approve of my choice of a spouse (Rita was from a poor economic background while we were upper middle class). He hasn't approved of my financial dealings. He certainly didn't approve of my transition into the female role. In fact, he told me I wouldn't be welcome at his funeral when he passes. They would make up a story to the rest of the family that I was in the hospital from asthma related issues.

The Fight of Anxiety and the trip to Portland

I'm not sure who, if anyone reads these ramblings of mine. They are an outlet of the thoughts in my head. Both good times and bad.


On Friday of this past week (10/12/2018), I got the schedule for the following week. It had me as being the lead 3 of the 4 days for the Bank of America equipment refresh I've been a part of. This really freaked me out. The last time I worked lead, I didn't get out of there until almost 4am (the SF Chinatown branch). On top of that, they put me with someone who physically isn't capable of doing the work required. He would do something then have to sit down for 15 minutes. I ended up doing part of his work. Then he would drop equipment down the stairs. When I saw the schedule, my first instinct was I needed to run, I needed to get out of there. So I messaged my friend Sandra in Portland that I've been wanting to see for awhile and asked if she was busy. Eventually she said to come on up, so after getting the drug test for a new job coming up (I resigned from the Bank of America job already) and registering to vote, I go home, pick up some clothes and Jasper and headed on up. I ended up making the trip in 11 hours. Not bad traveltime. I rolled in at 2am. Yesterday I walked in nature with Sandra, trying to make up my mind what to do concerning the last week of the job. Tonight I decided to just forego this last week. I'm so tired of sacrificing my body and sanity for someone else's bottom line. I want to eventually do freelance work, perhaps web design, tech work or even photograhy or writing. I do to brush up on my programming skills though.


It was nice to see Sandra and also Janice, Tilman, Mandy and some of their kids. The one person though, that I really wanted to see was Rhiannan. The image above is quite symbolic to me, and in a way I feel represents our relationship. I hope not though. I miss her so much. I don't feel comfortable messaging her or calling her trying to set anything up. I feel that if I did, that would be intruding on her privacy. While I do wish to see her so badly, I am going to wait for her to initiate it. I would gladly talk with her or go to see her if she asked me to. I hope that day will come some day. As I've said many times before, I wish her peace, I wish her healing, I wish her love.


There was someone that I thought the world would end before we would part. It was said that we would chase each other in wheelchairs around the nursing home in our old age. Alas we parted ways. I miss her so much, the thought of missing her brings tears to my eyes still many times. I wish her well, I wish her healing, I wish her love. I find solace in the fact that I know our time together wasn't Wasted Time.


So you can get on with your search, baby

And I can get on with mine

And maybe someday we will find

That it wasn't really wasted time


Wasted Time

The Eagles


Jaclyn C. Horton

It Wasn't Really Wasted Time

There was someone that I thought the world would end before we would part. We used to kid that we would chase each other in wheelchairs around the nursing home. Alas we parted ways. I miss her so much, the thought of missing her brings tears to my eyes still many times. I wish her well, I wish her healing, I wish her love. I find solace in the fact that I know our time together wasn't Wasted Time.

So you can get on with your search, baby
And I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find
That it wasn't really wasted time

Wasted Time
The Eagles

The Sound of Breathing

"The letters of the name of G-d in Hebrew are yod, hay, vav and hay. They are frequently mispronounced as ?Yahveh.? But in truth they are unutterable. Not because of the holiness they evoke, but because they are all vowels and you cannot pronounce all the vowels at once without risking respiratory injury. This word is the sound of breathing. The holiest Name in the world, the Name of the Creator, is the sound of your own breathing."

Rabbi Lawrence Kushner

A Dream and More

This morning I woke up at 5. Later I ended up going back to bed. When I woke up the second time in the dream I had gotten up out of bed and looked out the window. Behind me I hear an all too familiar voice, one I hadn't heard in months and that I missed so sorely. Rhiannan asked "are you ok." A flood of relief poured through my whole being. I told her that I was so glad to see her and that I missed her so much. She offered a hug and I cried. This time they were tears of happiness though. It was a dream but it felt so good, so real. Was it a premonition of things to come? I can't say for sure but I really hope so with all my being. Despite everything that's happened, I really do miss her. I really hope she can be a part of my life once again. I want so much to be a part of hers as well. Who knows what will happen. I suppose time will tell.

This past weekend I started on a book about my life. It caused me to relive many things in my life, some of which had slipped from my consicous memory. Some of it was painful, some of it was pleasant recollections.

On the SoulFire front, Joy seems to be placing a great emphasis on healing the people of color. I can certainly understand that and I agree that there should be healing. It is, however, causing me ancestral wounding, or should I say it is bring it to the forefront. I suppose it's always been there. I feel a great deal of guilt for what my ancestors have done. I know of at least one of my ancestors that fought in the Civil War on the side of the South. I think slavery was a terrible injustice and the inequities that many suffer today is horrible as well. I am just having a very hard time dealing with all of this. I told her the other night at times I may need to pull away because of ancestral wounding. She felt that I shouldn't pull away but should instead push even harder. I felt that what she said was very insensitive to what I am going through and I felt judged as well. Of course she may feel I'm being insensitive to her. Still it hurts and it feels like there is a rift between us that wasn't there before. I don't know whether she feels it or not. In addition, with her placing greater emphasis on the people of color issue, I feel that what she spoke to me about SoulFire initially and what it is turning out to be now are two different things. I am planning to go to the SoulFire meeting at Quynh's house this Saturday though. I made need to pull away and step outside or even go for a walk if the feelings get too intense.

Jaclyn C. Horton