Alone

People and furries surround me
But I feel so alone
I have people I work with that are companions
But I feel so alone
I am around thousands of people
But I feel so alone
I don't crave romance right now
But I feel so alone
I feel so alone

Jaclyn C Horton 

All Rights Reserved

Copyright 2018

Regret

Regrets, they'll eat you alive
But what can you do?
What can you say?
Wish that you could do things differently?
Wish that you had said what needed to be said?
Wish that you hadn't ran away?
That's all impossible
All that you can do is somehow pick up the pieces
Hope that somehow things can be healed
Offer my hand in friendship
In whatever way it can be accepted

Others

Others, for many years, have always said I shouldn't have anything to do with you. That you will use and manipulate me. I've always hated hearing this and have pretty much ignored their advice. Thing is I really care about you. I have for quite some time. I feel incapable of leaving you, for not caring for you. I feel incapable of not loving you, in some capacity anyway. I feel like I don't have a choice but to love you, even if platonically. I do believe we have a history in a past life or even past lives. I also believe I hurt you terribly in a past life and part of my karma is to help you. I have no proof of this of course but I believe this with all my heart. In a somatic healing session, what came up was events from a past live. We were together as a romantic couple. I ended up cheating on you and you ultimately killed me. Perhaps that's why I'm afraid to tell you certain things, not that you would kill me again but still fear does play a part. For this I am terribly sorry and offer my apology to you. I also feel like I have abandonment issues. This could be from my own family or perhaps karma again since I abandoned you. Even though these events happened many years ago, I believe that they play a part in our current lives and affect us currently. You may or may not believe this but deep in my heart of hearts I do. I hope one day to generate enough courage to show you this.

The Apology

I owe you such a big apology. You're right. You trusted me to take care of the cats and I failed. I failed miserably. I think often of Jazmine, wondering if she's ok. Hoping she's ok. That night of our big fight, I was afraid. Yes, I ran. Traveled to another fucking state. I feel horrible. Perhaps I should be. I've always been afraid of letting you down. Letting down the person I care about the most, yet that's exactly what I did. I hope if you see this, you'll somehow find it in your heart to forgive me.

Jackie

My Peace

I offer my peace to you
I lay it at your feet
You are welcome to pick it up
To accept it
To embrace it
You are also welcome
To step over it
Even to step on it
I hope you will
Take it into your heart
Pull it into your very being
May it bless you
Bless your very soul
May my peace be with you
It is your choice

Jaclyn C. Horton

A Special Kind of Love

There are many kinds of love
Loves of people you work with
Loves of family members
Loves of Romance
Every once in awhile though,
You develop a love,
One that lasts across many lifetimes
One that you would do anything to preserve
I feel that I have this sort of love with one person in particular
Even though things may be strained between us now,
This is someone I care about more than anyone else
I hope things can improve between us
This is someone who is in my thoughts daily
My hope is to try to promote healing between us both
To be supportive as is most needed

Jaclyn C. Horton

Conflict

I have a tendency to avoid conflict at all costs. During the fight I mentioned in my last post, I didn't say anything, even though it hurt like hell. Instead I was quiet and later that evening left the state. I also have a fear of letting her down, which of course ultimately happened-a self fulfilling prophecy. I think part of it has to do with events from a past life which is something I have to deal with this lifetime. I don't know what to do. There is no manual. At times I feel clueless how to precede. But I want to succeed in this. My desire is to heal everything that needs to be healed. It won't be easy but it needs to be done.

I really miss my friend. I think of the things we've shared in the past and the places we've been to and can't help but miss the things we've shared, the ability to talk with her about anything. I hope to be at that place once again. At this point I want to be supportive to her, in whatever way I can be of the most help. Most of all I miss her.

Jaclyn C. Horton

Latest Happenings

Around the end of February/beginning of March, while doing work on my car, I inadvertently left the car door open and one of the cats that my friend Rhiannan had let me keep escaped. I felt awful about it and she was quite angry about it. She said many harsh words about the situation. I was very hurt by what she said and also was very upset that I had let her down. It seems one of my biggest fears is letting her down. This appears to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I've been homeless for the most part. I've either been sleeping on a friend's couch, sleeping in a motel or sleeping in my car. I did get a job at Lowe's, which is a positive. Another friend seemed to think my desire to be restless, to want to move to a different area after a short while could be tied to my
ADD/ADHD. I'm beginning to think she might be right. My goal the foreseeable future is to work on healing myself. I feel inside my mind is a scary place. Not a safe place to be at all. My desire is to heal myself. I don't think I would be a good fit for anyone until I am able to do that.

Jaclyn C. Horton