Missing my spiritual teacher tonight

I'm missing my spiritual teacher, Brooke, tonight. Even though she passed from this plane several months ago, I couldn't help but have this feeling of how much I miss her, how much I would love to talk to her, tell her what's going on in my life lately. Even more so, tell her about what's going on spiritually in my life lately. What I would give to receive a hug from her. I can't help but think she would be happy for me. Especially considering where I was over the past few months when I was unfriended by someone I considered to be my best friend. Of course I did pray a prayer asking for everything or everyone that hindered my spiritual growth to be removed from my life. Not long after that I was unfriended. So I do think there was a connection there. I also think I need to be careful about jumping back to being in a relationship with Rhiannan. I tend to think that's what Brooke would say if she were here. Perhaps Lilith had a part in that. I tend to see Her like Kali, as destroying what does not work for me. In this case it was a friendship. I should be careful not to try to recreate what was destroyed by Her.

Ship Without a Rudder

During this time
With the winds blowing
And the waves crashing all around
I am like a ship without a rudder
Being tossed around
To and fro
With no control of my own
Where will I end up?
Will this tiny ship sink?
Will it be dashed along the rocks of a rocky shore?
Or is there some higher purpose at play here?
I would like to think so
I have seen such tragedy in this life of mine
But yet I keep holding on
I must keep holding on
It's the only thing I can do at this point
Surely there has to be some point to all of this
I long ago gave up trying to steer
The wheel spins left and right as the winds of the times wills
This does get tiresome, but still I hang on
Wondering where the next port, whether figurative or literal will be
All I ask is that Mother Spirit protect and guide me

Jaclyn C. Horton
Copyright 2018
All Rights Reserved

Thoughts going back to her

Today, during this time, I find my thoughts going back to thoughts of Rhiannan. While I'm not crying buckets anymore, my thoughts sometimes go back to her. I wonder what she's doing, how she is. I really hope she's ok, even if she doesn't want  anything to do with me. I wish her the best, I wish her healing, in her physical body, in her psyche as well as in her soul. I want her to believe in herself and to see herself the way I see her. I see her as a wonderful person who has gone through quite a bit during this lifetime. Even if we never talk or see each other again, I do feel blessed for having known her. I can't help but miss her. As tears well up in my eyes, I wish I could tell her these thoughts of mine and more. I wish so much that I could share with her these thoughts of mine. I would love to share my heart, even if it's just occassional conversations, occassional sharings. I get so many things from people when I share with them, but the one person I want to hear from is her. I so want to message her or call her but I realize this probably is not wise. I realize that I should wait for an invitation from her, otherwise it may be seen as being intrusive, and according to some, abusive. The the last thing I want to do to her, is abuse her. I want her to be healed from abuse. I want my heart to be open to her as resource to her when things get bad or a place she can share her victories or just share the joys she experiences when her furries do something cute. I wish her health, I wish her blessings, I wish her peace.

Jackie

The Caring Is There

When I care for someone they are in my thoughts, and my heart, forever. 

The Caring is there.
There may be differences but the caring never leaves. 
The Caring is there.
No matter what may be said or what may be done by either party,
The Caring is there.

Jaclyn C. Horton

Latest Happenings

Today I made it official, I voluntarily cut my hours at Lowe's, where I work. Ever since they started blowing the dust off the rafters, my breathing in there hasn't been very good. Actually lately I get dizzy after I've been there an hour or so. I've also been getting emails and  calls almost everyday from agencies trying to recruit me for contract positions. I decided to accept a part time one upgrading equipment at Bank of America branches. I'm happy I'm getting back into I.T. To be honest I've really missed it. I'm also, at the same time, working on teaching myself another programming language--Python. I want to be able to learn this then connect it to a MySQL database. I would like to create an app that will pull up people based on their Human Design profile characteristics. I'm very impressed with Human Design. It's based on a number of ancient methodologies. Ultimately I would also eventually like to do profiles for people in Human Design. So all in all, quite a bit going on for me right now. I feel like things are really moving for me.

Healing Through the Tears

Sometimes even the best of friends part. While, I never would have guessed this would ever happen in a million years, it definitely happened. My soul cried buckets of tears. While I'm in a much better place than I was in those first few days and weeks when the wound was still fresh, I find myself incapable of  ever ceasing to care for her. It's not that I haven't tried. All the people that I have ever known, I can't seem to let go of her. Again, I doubt I ever will be.
I want her to be ok. I want her to experience healing. I want her to know deep down that she is a worthwhile individual. I want her to know love, not just from a friendship or a romantic relationship, but I want her to know love from herself. I want her to be able to see herself the way I've seen her. I want her to see she is much more than the horrible trauma she has endured. She is a beautiful soul that I am glad to have known. It is my hope that sometime the horrible rift the two of us have exerienced will someday, somehow be bridged. I am a much different person than I was when she knew me before. I won't be at anyone's beck and call, but I do hope that our relationship, that all of the shattered pieces, can somehow be picked up and put back together, not in the same way but in a much better way, a much more mature way, neither of us being dependent on the other. I am guilty of being dependent on her for sure. Even if these things never happen, I want her to experience healing and love. That is my deepest, honest desire. May Spirit make this happen.