Oh Mother Sophia, Mother of my spirit, who birthed me so long ago. Let me experience you completely, Let me know you fully and completely. I am your child.
On Sunday, August 15th, Sandy contacted me. It went well. I've really missed her and she told me she missed me as well. She had said she was never planning to leave me forever but was giving me time to heal. We're platonic friends. I told her today I had been totally in love with her. She said she easily could have fallen in love with me but had seen what would happen if she had, so she kept from going there. We will be friends, spiritual friends. It feels like a relief. Tonight I did cry from loneliness but it had nothing to do with her though. It is my goal and intention to reach a point where I love myself. I'm trying to do that but it feels so hard. I've read so many times that we need to love ourselves, that happiness begins with us and I want to make this happen. I've read books on this. Still I seem to be struggling with this. Still I continue to work at this. I tell myself that I love myself, I hold myself. I want to make this happen.
I ordered a ticket to the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum. I'm planning to take Bart down to San Jose and go there by myself. It should be fun and I hope to learn a lot. I have a such a strong interest in spirituality, I would love to work in the area. I have a thirst for knowledge, for gnosis. There are few people I can talk to about this. Sandy is really the only person I can speak to about this, that understands it on the level that I do. It is also my intention to move to San Jose. I've been saving up money for this. It is my first priority financially speaking. I think being on my own will be better for me spiritually as well.
This morning, one of my closest friend, if not my closest friend, told me she doesn't want me to discuss Sandy anymore with her. Apparently it is triggering her. This makes me feel even more alone. I can't help but miss Sandy, yes I wish there was some way to salvage things. I'm hurting so deeply, hurting to the core right now. Now I'm not able to discuss something that is so very much a part of me right now. I understand but it hurts, it's like I'm feeling hurt on two fronts. Of course now she's afraid it will affect our friendship. I rarely abandon people, especially close friends. Actually I'm usually the one that gets abandoned.
Damn I miss you! I miss you so much. Even though you shattered my heart into a billion pieces, I still miss you. I miss our spiritual talks, I miss our grand plans to go to Egypt, Ireland, Coney Island, and going to see Bella's house. I miss us talking about studying together about so many things. I really believed in us. I believed our souls would grow together as our bodies would become one. I believed in us in union. I believed we would join in the Bridal Chamber as Yeshua and Mary did. I believed so many things. Was I being naive? I don't want to believe so, but I'm afraid I might have been. I loved you so, so very much. I can't seem to hold back the tears as I type this. I still love you. I still find myself wishing there was a way to save "us." To want to believe we could still go to Egypt one day. Am I a fool for believing this? I want to believe. Am I believing a lie?
I've come to a realization that what's important is that I get what I want and insist on it, even if others get hurt, because otherwise I won't get what I want and I'll be the one that gets hurt, sometimes terribly so. That's exactly what happened to me this past time and I got tossed by the wayside.
An edit or modification of a previous poem I wrote:
Through my experience it was validated at how great my capacity to love is. It was the first time I loved someone that completely. I don't regret loving, I just wish it had been returned to the degree that I loved her and that I didn't get abandoned. That my core abandonment wound hadn't gotten triggered, but then again, I wouldn't have grown from the experience, something that I'm still in the middle of experiencing. Something that I'm still feeling the pains from. The end result, I'm sure will be more than worth it, although it is difficult to see that completely now. I have faith though that the growth I receive will definitely be worth it.
One thing I think about is how to discern whether or not the next person has done their inner work, that they won't run away every time I get close, every time I open my heart and let my love flow to them. I don't want to go through this again. I'm not sure my heart could survive if it did happen again. I do feel confident, though, that in time I will be able to discern this, even though, at times, I still feel raw from the events that have occurred.
Yesterday I wrote this message to Sandy:
It is with great sadness I suggest perhaps it is best that we should part ways, at least for now. I wish you and your family well and many blessings. May you find peace love and healing. You will always have a place in my heart.
I wasn't exaggerating when I said "with great sadness." After I wrote it I started crying again (I had cried buckets full yesterday morning). Also when I said she has a place in heart that wasn't an exaggeration either. I really believed I loved her with my whole heart. But I believe I have to protect myself and my inner children (I believe I carry within myself a little Jeff and a little Jackie within me). I feel one of my core wounds is abandonment. I feel I was abandoned emotionally by my Dad, I was abandoned by Rhiannan when she unfriended me (after 12 years of friendship). I feel Sandy abandoned me as well. My inner children feel that. They don't understand reasons or excuses, they just know and feel that, once again, they are being abandoned. Once again their little hearts are breaking from it. It is my job to protect them. Even if that means ending relationships or potential relationships. Knowing Sandy's history with me, I felt it was a safe bet that the same thing would happen again.
If I had the opportunity, I would love to tell her how I feel, what I believe about what's going on with her and me, even what I believe is going on within her. It may be unconscious, but I believe it is happening.
If I had this chance, I would tell her I need time blocked out on her schedule, no work, no John, no family, no house, nothing short of an emergency. That I would need her full undivided attention. Once I had that, I would tell her:
I feel you're triggering my abandonment core wounds
I feel you're running away from me every time I would get close or get intimate, that it was much more than John or being afraid of hurting him
You told me you were ok with doing tantra with me, with doing the Isis ritual with me, with sleeping in the same bed with me, then all of a sudden all of that changed, our whole relationship changed multiple times.
I made myself vulnerable to you but you ran away when we could get close
I shared my dreams and I honestly believed you were going to be a part of the fulfillment of those dreams
I believed in us, I visualized it multiple times, many, many times
I believe there is inner work that you haven't done and that is why you are running away
You are making yourself even busier so you won't have to address these issues, so you don't have time
I felt like I was last in importance in your life, I was always the one who got dropped if something came up. That made me feel not very important to you.
I tried bringing up things before our break but you said I was trying to manipulate you. I honestly was not trying to manipulate you but communicate with you how I was feeling and prevent any breakdowns or misinformation in communication and otherwise promote communication in the relationship.
I do miss our conversations and got a great deal from them.
I honestly hope you are well and that your family is well. I wish blessings upon you and your family.
This morning I noticed that Sandy had unfriended me. When I asked for the break she said she would be there when I returned. I really despise when people go back on their word, especially with affairs of the heart. This really hurts. I honestly don't believe she could handle me, handle my emotions, handle the intensity of my love. I seem to have problem that can handle it. It's like opening the floodgates of the Hoover dam. I gave her my most treasured possession--my heart, and she crushed it. She had a tendency towards avoidance, in retrospect. I wish her well, but this hurts like hell. Of course today is the first day of the Chiron retrograde. It is very possible that this is related to it, something that is coming up for healing. I'm doing my best to flow with the emotions, go with them and not bury them, but deal with them. I'm not sure how long this will take. But ultimately my task, which I accept, is to heal myself.
I spent late Saturday and Sunday morning with my friend Quynn. It was a weekend of healing and one with things that have been missing from my life. We had much conversation about relationships, both hers and my own. We had delicious food. Saturday night involved non-romantic cuddling. That has been sorely missing from my life. We held each other for 30 minutes each. That felt incredible. It has been so long since I have felt anything like that. My entire being has really missed that. This morning we went out for breakfast then later had a ritual back at her house. I released plenty. I released an illusional relationship but at the same time opened myself opened myself up a non-illusional relationship, in whatever form that may be best. I released cords of illusional relationship. I also offered myself to Isis, in service to Her. I placed intentions or working on boundaries as well.
Mother Sophia
My longing is for You
My desire is to feel Your touch
Typically I rarely dream, but here I've dreamed two nights in a row. I woke up this morning to one where I had built a house of my own, on a lake but also near the house was an underground crypt of sorts. In ways it was like one of the Egyptian pyramids, including having hieroglyphics on the walls. Apparently I had built it for me to live the last years of my life in and die there alone. I think it is indicative and symbolic how I feel alone and isolated. I've been reading a good bit on Mary Magdalene and share the pieces that resonate with my soul. I've posted things on my Facebook wall and also on the Facebook Gnostic group I manage. Sometimes people respond to these postings. Still I feel very alone and isolated. This weekend I'm spending the night with my friend Quynh, which should help some but I eventually have to come back and with it the realization that there's no one romantically inclined toward me, at least not with the spiritual interests I have. I post in a trans dating site where they asked for introductions. Someone did respond and said they wanted to get to know me, but one glance at their page gave me the impression we had very little in common. I want to share and discuss spiritual things and they had nothing like that on their page. My page, in contrast is covered in those types of things. For the most part I'm going to continue pouring myself into my readings and studies of Mary Magdalene and other Gnostic topics. I may read from the Gospel of Phillip next. I still have trouble reading from the books that Sandy sent me. I was halfway through one on the Egyptian pyramids I was very into before everything went south between Sandy and I. I hope I can get interested enough to get back into it. Of course my lack of interest in it or the Hekate book has nothing to do with the subject matter but with the person who gave me to them. I hope things will improve. It's only been 5 days since we took a break, a whole 25 more days to go. I miss her but sometimes I have so much anger towards her. Anger and a host of other emotions as well. I'm hoping by the time the month has passed, these feelings will settle down and I will be better able to manage them.
Last night I picked up the card Sandy had sent me when she sent the gifts. In the card she wrote that she couldn't wait to see me in person and couldn't wait for us to go on our trips together including Bella's House (from the Twilight movie), Egypt, Coney Island among others? She asked the question "could we add more?" She included kisses on the inside of the card as well. I couldn't help but think how these plans are now canceled. This invokes quite a bit of sadness in my heart. I also felt anger. As I contemplated these things, I decided that I deserved loyalty and truth. The truth comes in when she said she wasn't attracted to me as Jackie.
When I woke up this morning, I remembered a dream I had (which is rare). Sandy was dying and my friend Quynh and I were trying to make it to see her before she passed but we were too late. I wonder if this dream is symbolic. I do hope we can continue to be friends. We've shared many spiritual conversations and I hope we are able to continue to do so. I've been reading a book on Mary Magdalene and I read a number of things I would love to share with her. I bookmarked them in the hopes that I could share them after the month break has passed. I hope I get the opportunity to share them.
I want someone who is willing to fight for a relationship with me. Not someone who is indifferent to whether I stay or leave. That is likened to someone who is lukewarm instead of being on fire for a relationship. Someone who is on fire is enthusiastic in desiring a relationship with me. As Yeshua said, if someone is lukewarm I would spew them out of my mouth.
Yesterday I messaged Sandy and told her I needed a break. A break from our relationship. While we were no longer in a romantic relationship (I'm not sure where she was in that but I felt I was in one with her). I need to focus on myself and on my own healing. I'm nursing a broken heart at this point. I loved so intensely and deeply so when I found out she hadn't even been attracted to me in the beginning, but attracted to Jeff this hurt to my very core. This will take some time to get over. I don't feel that continuing in a friendship having communication every day is conducive to my healing. In fact I'm sure it would prevent healing. I'm planning to focus on loving myself first and foremost. That needs to happen before I can attempt to love anyone else on a romantic level. I also need to accept other types of love. There are people who love, but just not romantically. I will continue with my spiritual studies. I'm currently rereading the book Magdalene Mysteries: The Left-Hand Path of the Feminine Christ. I downloaded an audio book by Byron Katie called I Need Your Love--Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. My own healing and my own self-love is my main focus right now. I don't want to have to go through this all over again next incarnation.
Last night I had a restless night, I woke around 10:30 and was awake for several hours, having trouble shaking thoughts about Sandy. Eventually I could only think of how much I loved her, that I actually tried to give her my all. I began to cry, once again. I cried hard and it turned into outright sobs. This morning she messages me all cheerful, talking about how wonderful her spiritual studies were and how much she loved them. While I'm happy for her that she likes her studies, it's really hard to take such cheerfulness when your soul is grieving for the loss of something you believed in, that you believed was going to be the greatest love of your life. I can only hope her soul will remember me her next carnation.
As Lady Mary led me towards the Bridal Chamber, I felt butterflies in my stomach. Could this really be the actual Bridal Chamber? I had dreamed of entering the Bridal Chamber with an incarnation of Mary, but this was actual Mary. I could scarcely contain my excitement. She closed the door behind us. We were all alone in this sacred place. The bed was elevated with steps up to the surface. The blankets were a royal purple trimmed in white. It was so beautiful!
I'll leave you alone
I'll leave you alone
Since that's apparently what you want
You tell me you've never been loved
As much love as I've shown you
You've broken my heart twice
In a short amount of time
Of course you'll chase me after awhile most likely
Perhaps I shouldn't respond
Because I know you'll just hurt me again
As I went to the SFO airport, south of San Francisco, I knew on this day would be the culmination of almost a year of longing to see her beautiful face in person. No longer would I have to depend on electronic devices to see her or communicate with her. I prayed many prayers to Sophia that this day would come. I visualized in my mind this very day. Today the day had finally arrived. As she exited the airplane into the airport a feeling of unimaginable joy washed over me, and I finally saw her.
March is a month of birthdays in my family. I wrote previously about my birthday on the 17th. My Dad's birthday was on the 19th. I was especially thinking of him that day. I wasn't terribly upset about him or anything but I was thinking of him. Later that day I did speak to him through the ethers, kind of like praying but to him. I feel like he heard me. The next day, the 20th, is my daughter, Tiffany's birthday. I always liked the fact that her birthday is on or around the first day of Spring. This year is was exactly on the first day of Spring. I messaged her wishing her a Happy Birthday. Tomorrow is my brother, Steve's birthday. We really don't talk that much. We hadn't talked in years until the day my Dad passed. He called me the day after letting me know. I think I will send him a message tomorrow. I don't think he wants me there because of me being trans. I sometimes wish we could have a relationship. I didn't get a birthday wish from him, Chris, my oldest son, or David or my Mom, but she has dementia so she gets a pass so to speak. Tiffany was a day late but she did wish me one.
This morning, while I was meditating, I heard what sounded like both my Mom and Dad's voices saying hi. It was as if they were saying hi while entering the room. It was nice, although it did make me wonder if my Mom had passed. Also, during the meditation, Sandy and I were sitting on the pier during a sunset at the house I've been dreaming of building. It was a beautiful scene. When I told Sandy about it she said it made her smile. Knowing that made me smile as well.
Jaclyn C. Horton
3/22/2021
As I head into Spring, I continue to feel blessed by the blooming relationship I find myself in. We talk everyday, many times sending audio messages or videos. It feels so nice just being thought of, filling me in on how her day is going. I treasure hearing from her. It has been many years since I have felt this happy. It seems we are on the same wavelength about a great many things. The depression and loneliness seems like a distant memory now. We've both said we can't wait till we can meet each other in person.
Spring is my favorite season of the year. To me it feels like a resurrection of sorts. What was dead is coming back to live. The trees, plants, grass, flowers and more are coming back to life. My mood has improved along with it. I feel joyful most days.
I've been doing a great deal of reading lately. I'm reading through a commentary on the Gospel of Thomas, which is my favorite of the Nag Hammadi gospels. On some days I read from the Gospel of Phillip as well. It seems I can always learn more, which I find very exciting. I feel more connected to Sophia as well as Her other incarnations such as Mary Magdalene (especially her), Isis and others. This part of my spiritual journey started back in 2010 but here lately it seems to have gotten much closer and even intimate. I see Sophia as the Mother of my soul.
I have had a number of dreams lately as well. One is to have a house on a lake. I really miss doing things such as boating, skiing and so forth. It would be a rustic home, maybe a log cabin with a pier going out over the water. The house would be a temple for Sophia as well. In addition, Sandy and I want to travel. First we would go to Oregon and see the Swann's house from Twilight. It's now an Air BnB you can rent. That sounds like so much fun! To share that with her will be great. I've been putting my money back to fund some of these dreams. I've been doing much better at that lately.
Jaclyn C. Horton
03/15/2021
Back in November of last year I got to know a very wonderful person. Sandy has totally blessed my life in numerous ways. I truly feel that through getting to know her is making several dreams come true, on multiple levels. Now we are planning to travel the world to see the spiritual sites. We've discussed Egypt, Ireland and France for starters. We are both connected to Sophia, Mary Magdalene, Isis, a host of others as well as the Divine Feminine in general. I have so much joy in my heart at this moment, it is hard to express.
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