This paper will address some of my life experiences from my southern upbringing, my years in grade school, the turbulent teen years; although to others my life may not have seemed that turbulent to them. I reveal some of the ways that I was different to what people would call “normal” teenagers. I was able to achieve a degree (finally) at a local community college. I was raised in a church and still hold those values today. I am also motivated to return to college to help others like myself.
I was raised as Jeffery Horton on a Tuesday on Saint Patrick’s Day 1964, not that I celebrate St. Patti’s Day, although later I would change my name to Jaclyn Christine Horton. This was during the height of the British invasion, although my parents were never into the Beatles. I was born in Sylacauga (an Indian name), Alabama, a small town 40 miles southeast of Birmingham During those days, the population was around 15,000. My family was a southern, conservative middle-class family. I was the first born and two years later a brother would be added. My father did well for himself; he worked at a distributorship for service stations. My mother rarely had to work, but in those days, it was easier to achieve this. Early on, my life did not seem that different than anyone else’s, although that would change as I proceeded through school.
I struggled through grade school, all the way through high school. What many people found easy, I had to work harder at. I suppose it did not help that I was picked on all the way through school as far back as I can remember. what appeared to be a typical boy, but deep down I was far from typical. For years I really couldn’t put my finger on it. I knew I was different than everyone else. I also was picked on for being weak, called sissy, or even gay. When I was a teenager I started wearing my mother’s clothes when she wasn’t around. I loved the way it made me feel. I really didn’t get a sexual thrill out of it, but I just liked the way it made me feel. I hid this part of me down deep. I could imagine what people would say if I were to tell them, especially living in the south. I would play ball with my brother and cousins, and water skied when we went to the lake. I did typical boy things but now, in retrospect, I wasn’t that good at sports and I tended to be more feminine. I was often called sissy. I suppose I seemed different to anyone else. My mother always tried to dress me in nice clothes, although she had good intentions. I was often called “pretty boy”. I am sure I had more feminine tendencies that I and my family were not aware of yet. I was tall and lanky, so I was called other names also. Needless to say, I hated school, even more so than most young people do. I seemed to struggle in school. I was doing good to get B’s and C’s, although I rarely ever failed and didn’t fail any classes in my 12 years of school. I believe now that I had and still have Attention Deficit Disorder. I could get distracted easily. If a television was on and someone was talking to me, I would miss much of what they said. Perhaps that’s why I was weak in reading comprehension and tended to be slow reader.
After I graduated from high school, the people seemed much more respectful and friendlier. I changed my mind about a major, several times and struggled academically. I started out wanting to be a sound engineer, but I realized that the competition would have made it difficult to get a job. I went through several major changes and finally stayed with Electronics. I liked the subject and did better in those classes. I graduated with an Associate’s degree in 1987. I moved on to another college, trying to turn my Associate’s degree into a bachelor’s degree. I did not do nearly as well there, and eventually dropped out after Rita, my fiancée at the time, graduated.
A short time after leaving school, we moved to Virginia, the state where she was born and got married in Hopewell, Virginia on April 15th, 1989. During the next few years we had three wonderful children. Chris, our first born, a boy that was born in 1990. Tiffany, our only daughter, was born in 1992, and David, who we would find had autism, was born in 1995. I was raised in an upper middle-class family and Rita was raised in poor family. My parents never did like Rita. Perhaps she was too independent for their liking or perhaps they didn’t like the fact that she came from a poor socio-economic background. We eventually moved to Colorado (she had a friend who said the jobs were better out here). The relationship between Rita and I began to suffer, and we eventually separated in July of 1998. I wasn’t in favor of the separation and at one point even tried to talk her into getting back together, but it wasn’t to be.
Midway in 2000, I thought about my life. I had always had female tendencies that I normally kept to myself. I would cross-dress from time to time in private and did this for many years. I finally began to see a therapist for this in late 2000. It was during some of these sessions that I realized I was transgender. I eventually changed my name to Jaclyn and began living full time as a woman which took some adjustments. The more I expressed myself as a woman, the more I realized that this is what I was, deep down inside. I also realized how transgender people are outcasts in today’s society. I eventually, for the sake of my children, especially my oldest son, moved back to Alabama. My parents said they would get me “cured.” I have since realized this is impossible, a person is the way he or she is. My parents sent me to a Christian therapist who wanted to send me to a specialist in Seattle. Warning bells went off in my head. Something told me that the specialist would want to use shock therapy on me and I would be watched 24/7 to make sure I didn’t regress into crossdressing again. I decided against this and eventually stopped going to the Christian therapist in Birmingham. My family is very conservative, which made things more difficult. I just hid my cross-dressing from others, realizing that eventually I would need to go through the full transition, from male to female, although it would need to be done as gradually and secretly as possible for the sake of my children. I would hope to have any major surgeries after my kids were grown.
It was in one summer, while living with my parents in Alabama, that my kids came to visit. They had been living with Rita, my ex-wife in Colorado. I was happy to see them and had missed them very much. My daughter had an urge to ride a horse. She had wanted to do this for a long time, so I set it up with a horse ranch. We were all excited about this. As it turned out, it would never come to pass. My parents were people who expected respect from the children and expected things to be done their way. Tiffany, my daughter, was and is very independent. Perhaps they saw her as a “little Rita.” My daughter would want to stay downstairs watching her shows. My parents expected her to come upstairs and visit with them. Eventually my parents kicked the kids out and I had to arrange an early rendezvous with Rita to have her pick them up half-way in Oklahoma. It was quite a depressing trip. During one of the meals while the kids were visiting, Tiffany was 10 I believe, my Mom suggested to Tiffany that she might want to go on a diet. I can’t remember if it was during that trip or another, but this had a very negative psychological effect on Tiffany for years to come. Rita was incensed about the whole thing. I wasn’t very happy myself.
After several years, I moved back to Colorado. Something told me I was needed there. I moved back in March of 2005. It was a good thing I did. In August of 2005, Rita, my ex-wife passed away suddenly from Q-T Syndrome, a defective heart condition. This was a total shock to everyone, including me. I remember crying every day for five days straight. Even though we were divorced, I was devastated. I suppose I still loved her even through all the fights we had, there was a part of me that still cared. We were beginning to be friends again when I moved back, and I was able to give some much-needed apologies, which she accepted. The boys didn’t say all that much about Rita’s passing, although David asked what happened to his Momma. Chris didn’t say that much. Tiffany was affected deeply psychologically. She would later be diagnosed with PTSD. This added to her other psychological problems caused by my parents.
Eventually I made the decision to return to college. I have several motivating factors that had me interested in returning to school. The first was the fact that, despite many years of trying, I have not achieved my bachelor’s degree yet. I had taken classes at several times in my life in addition to right after high school. Something always happened where I had to put my education on the backburner. Another motivating factor is my desire to help other transgender people such as myself. I have seen how some of these people struggle. The suicide rate among transgender people is much higher than the general population. I have been suicidal myself, but now realize that ending it all is not the answer. I believe that I can help them through any suicidal thoughts, especially knowing first-hand what they have been through.
There are times when I think that many colleges do not understand the adult student, what we have been through, and what we are going through to achieve the college degree. This has probably held me back at times in the past from completing my education. I was, however, able to complete my Bachelors degree in 2008. It was during my time in pursuit of my psychology degree at Ashford University that I made a friend who would ultimately become my best friend, Rhiannan. These were online classes, so we needed to write a short introduction about ourselves at the beginning of each class. It was during my first class where I outed myself as a transgender person that Rhiannan responded to me and said if I ever needed to talk to contact her. She provided her email address and ultimately her Yahoo messenger id. We became good friends after that.
I was raised in the south which is not known for its diversity acceptance. Also, my family is conservative, so that in a way has been a struggle. I do not believe being transgender has prevented me from being a Christian. I still feel loved by God, and if anything, I need the love of God more than ever. My spiritual life, however, has turned into more of a quest than anything else. It was during a religion class where my faith got rocked. The class was led by a Methodist minister, which I had felt a connection with since I grew up as a Methodist. While reading the text of this class, it was discussed that prior to one of the Israeli exiles, there was no separation of good and evil concerning God. After the beginning of the exile, there was more of a Zoroastrianism influence in Judaism and God versus the devil. This rocked my faith because I was taught in Christianity that God was the only god. I asked for clarification from the instructor but never received any. At this time, I began on a spiritual quest. I would become a Pagan, although that would change as well. I was especially interested in Celtic Paganism, since the ancestors I knew of came from Ireland and England. I reasoned that if you went far enough back, it would be a safe bet that my ancestors were Celtic. I hope to confirm that at some point. So, I began practicing Celtic Paganism, including being a part of rituals and joining a coven. Eventually, though, I began thinking about the beliefs I was raised on. I wondered if there was a way to combine the two. I found Christian Gnosticism, which was and is a form of Christian mysticism. I even found some Gnostic writings where Jesus (or Yeshua as he probably called himself) led the disciples in a circle, not unlike the circles performed by Pagans. I especially became interested in Sophian Gnosticism. I see Sophia as the spiritual mother of Yeshua. I also see Mary Magdalene as an incarnation of Sophia and Yeshua and Mary Magdalene as spiritual consorts. Yeshua represented the Divine Masculine and Mary represented the Divine Feminine. This really intrigued me. I would study other spiritualities, such as Buddhism, but to this day I follow Gnosticism and call myself a Gnostic. This is really a big part of my life. I do incorporate different things into my belief structure, which seems to work well with my Gnostic beliefs. I can see some similarities between Gnosticism and Buddhism.
It was during this time, approximately in 2008 that I decided to move myself and the kids (the kids were living with me after Rita passed away in 2005) to La Crosse, Wisconsin. In all honesty, the main reason I did this is because I felt a closeness with Rhiannan. I wanted to be closer to her and get to know her better. In retrospect I believe I knew her in a previous lifetime, which I’ll discuss later. Moving to Wisconsin was a large undertaking but one that I was excited about doing. Rhiannan knew a friend who owned a tattoo parlor in La Crosse who also owned a small apartment building. I ended up renting a small apartment from him. It was an adjustment going from a house to an apartment, but we managed. The weather was an adjustment as well. Even though we had snow in Colorado, it usually disappeared within a day or two. In Wisconsin the weather was much colder during the winter months and the snow was usually there till Spring though. Later in 2008, I would develop a relationship with a woman, who also had three kids. She didn’t live that far away in Winona, Minnesota. I kiddingly called us “The Brady Bunch” since altogether we were a family of 6 after me and my kids moved in with her and her kids. We didn’t have Alice the housekeeper though. As time would go on things got more and more stressed. I remember one particular night just wanting to get away from it all, Rhiannan and I met at a bar in La Crosse. Upon arrival, I announced to her that I need a stiff one. Rhiannan replies “I can’t help you there.” Everyone in the bar cracks up, me included. It was nice to get away from the stressful environment, even if for a few hours and have drinks and laughs with my friend. Eventually Lisa and I would break up. I still consider her a friend and think of her kids as I would my own. Lisa and I had a polyamorous relationship. Even though I didn’t have any other partners, she did. I would wish her well as she would go out to meet one of her other partners. I do not believe her having other partners had any influence on us breaking up and I was not jealous. I was always happy she had a good time. She would always be loving to me when she would return. Lisa would be the last person I would have a relationship up to this point. We broke up in 2009 so it has been over 9 years since I have been in a romantic relationship. At times I get very lonely. I’ve been guilty in the past of jumping into a relationship because I felt lonely. My desire is to be in relationship with someone who has similar spiritual interests to me but is also accepting of a transgender individual. So far this type of person has been hard to find. I visualize being in a relationship similar to Yeshua and Mary Magdalene and participate in the Sacrament of the Bridal Chamber.
It was while living on Liberty Street in La Crosse that my parents would provide a tempting offer. At the time we were struggling financially. They said they would buy us a house, it would be in Calera, Alabama but it came with conditions. This was a $200,000, two story, four-bedroom house if we would agree to live our lives the way they think we should. This was a deal I never should have entered into. I would be required to live in the male role, the kids would always be respectful to them. At first, I tried, I really tried. It didn’t take long to realize that my mood went downhill and became depressive and in addition that of my daughter did as well. She was really missing Colorado and so we decided to go back to Colorado, she and I, try to find a place to live and ultimately come back and get the boys and the rest of our things. That was our plan anyway. Things didn’t quite turn out that way. We found a place to live in Thornton, Colorado, which is a suburb of Denver. I had trouble finding work. I finally found work at Direct TV, but I would lose that job because I ended up spending too much time on the calls listening to the various people talk about their issues and their lives. This was quite upsetting to me. I truly cared about them but of course Direct TV, like any other big corporation, only cared about their bottom line. Only cared about me getting off the phone and taking the next call. That left a very sour taste in my mouth about corporations in general. Eventually we would lose the apartment and ended up in a homeless shelter in Colorado Springs. Prior to this I had asked if we could stay with some friends I knew from when I lived there before but they declined. Tiffany and I stayed there a short time before finding a small mobile home out in the tiny community of Simla, Colorado which was about 45 minutes east of Colorado Springs. The trailer was very hot in the summer time. Eventually we decided to go back to Alabama. Actually, what prompted this was a dream I had. The dream encouraged me to go back to Alabama. In retrospect, I suspect it was to give my parents one more chance. I got the feeling from my Dad that I was not wanted there. Just general vibes I was feeling. Tiffany and I packed up what we had back in the truck and made our way back to Alabama. When we got back to Calera, my parents set up a “meeting” to have with Tiffany and me. We were informed that for us to stay we would need to do as was originally agreed upon. On top of that the bedroom I had used before would be reserved for them to use when they stayed to check up on us and inspect the house. I had no choice but to agree. Eventually the depression would return but with increased intensity. One of the poems I wrote during this time concerned my suicide. It was titled “Sinking Deeper and Deeper.” It told about suicide by drowning in the bathtub. After a few more months of dealing with all of this, I was talking with Rhiannan about all of this and she told me that there was a couch in her apartment where we could sleep if we wanted to come back to La Crosse. I mentioned it to Tiffany and she said yes immediately. We headed back to La Crosse and drove straight there, a 17-hour trip, stopping only for gas, food and restroom breaks. We arrived at Rhiannan and her girl-friend’s apartment early the next morning. We stayed there approximately a month before we found an apartment of our own in the tiny community of Coon Valley. Coon Valley is about 30 miles southeast of La Crosse. There isn’t much there although there is a Kwik Trip, a convenience store, within just a short walk away. They had wonderful pastries which were delightfully tempting. We ended up staying there over a year, which is a long time for me. I tend to get restless after being in one place very long.
I would occasionally do contract Information Technology work. In April 2013 I happened upon a contract working for Mayo Clinic in La Crosse. Up to that point it was the best job I ever had, even though it was contract. I participated in replacing their older computers with newer ones and converting them to a newer version of Windows. I was there until the end of November. I hated leaving. I had gotten attached to the people that worked there.
One day after coming home I received a shock. Tiffany had been suffering from depression and she tried to commit suicide by a combination of cutting her wrists and taking pills. Many times, I may have been lacking in decision making, but at that time I told her to get ready, we’re going to the Emergency Room. She didn’t argue. They ended up pumping her stomach and giving her charcoal, which she hated. She also ended up staying in the psyche ward also. It was scary, but she made it, thankfully. I breathed a deep sigh of relief.
In May of 2014, while I was living in Coon Valley, Wisconsin, I got called about another contract opportunity with Mayo Clinic. This one, however, was in Rochester, Minnesota. That is about a two-hour drive from where I was living at the time. I decided to go ahead since I really enjoyed working at the La Crosse location and I wasn’t working at the time. As it would turn out I got the assignment and worked there for about a year and a half. I made many friends while I was there. I was running the I.T. support for the entire MMSI group there which amounted to over 300 users (over 600 devices). I got to where I would make rounds, making sure everyone was doing ok, both computer-wise and personally. I really enjoyed the conversations I had with many of the people there. I miss them deeply. I’ve added several of them to my Facebook friend list so I’m able to talk to them at times even though I’m now in California. Ironically, I remember while being there during snowy days I would dream of living in California. It appears that dream has come true.
