This morning I woke up at 5. Later I ended up going back to bed. When I woke up the second time in the dream I had gotten up out of bed and looked out the window. Behind me I hear an all too familiar voice, one I hadn't heard in months and that I missed so sorely. Rhiannan asked "are you ok." A flood of relief poured through my whole being. I told her that I was so glad to see her and that I missed her so much. She offered a hug and I cried. This time they were tears of happiness though. It was a dream but it felt so good, so real. Was it a premonition of things to come? I can't say for sure but I really hope so with all my being. Despite everything that's happened, I really do miss her. I really hope she can be a part of my life once again. I want so much to be a part of hers as well. Who knows what will happen. I suppose time will tell.
This past weekend I started on a book about my life. It caused me to relive many things in my life, some of which had slipped from my consicous memory. Some of it was painful, some of it was pleasant recollections.
On the SoulFire front, Joy seems to be placing a great emphasis on healing the people of color. I can certainly understand that and I agree that there should be healing. It is, however, causing me ancestral wounding, or should I say it is bring it to the forefront. I suppose it's always been there. I feel a great deal of guilt for what my ancestors have done. I know of at least one of my ancestors that fought in the Civil War on the side of the South. I think slavery was a terrible injustice and the inequities that many suffer today is horrible as well. I am just having a very hard time dealing with all of this. I told her the other night at times I may need to pull away because of ancestral wounding. She felt that I shouldn't pull away but should instead push even harder. I felt that what she said was very insensitive to what I am going through and I felt judged as well. Of course she may feel I'm being insensitive to her. Still it hurts and it feels like there is a rift between us that wasn't there before. I don't know whether she feels it or not. In addition, with her placing greater emphasis on the people of color issue, I feel that what she spoke to me about SoulFire initially and what it is turning out to be now are two different things. I am planning to go to the SoulFire meeting at Quynh's house this Saturday though. I made need to pull away and step outside or even go for a walk if the feelings get too intense.
Jaclyn C. Horton
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